I have come to the realization that a lot of what I do is driven by some type of fear....
Why is that? Is that human instinct or a really bad learned trait?
What made me come to this realization? Every so often I take an inventory of my life, where I've been, where I am, where I would like to go vs where I'm going, and it hit me. By reliving my greatest moments, decisions, and actions and the thought process that led me to them, it is evident that the driving force was undoubtedly some type of fear.
Now the question is, should I be concerned?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Realization: I am fear driven...
I have come to the realization that a lot of what I do is driven by some type of fear....
Why is that? Is that human instinct or a really bad learned trait?
What made me come to this realization? Every so often I take an inventory of my life, where I've been, where I am, where I would like to go vs where I'm going, and it hit me. By reliving my greatest moments, decisions, and actions and the thought process that led me to them, it is evident that the driving force was undoubtedly some type of fear.
Now the question is, should I be concerned?
Why is that? Is that human instinct or a really bad learned trait?
What made me come to this realization? Every so often I take an inventory of my life, where I've been, where I am, where I would like to go vs where I'm going, and it hit me. By reliving my greatest moments, decisions, and actions and the thought process that led me to them, it is evident that the driving force was undoubtedly some type of fear.
Now the question is, should I be concerned?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thoughts on Losing Weight
So I started walking 3 miles a couple times a week to help prepare me for the Alzheimer's Memory Walk. I am great with it now. So because I can't afford a gym, I'm looking for other options. I got a bike, but the chain doesn't work right on it. I mean, it was a cheap Huffy after all. So now what.
I read that people who own a bathroom scale lose weight faster. Did I mention that I am afraid of scales? They always seem off by like 15 pounds....
But I think my main focus has been monitoring my food intake. I consider myself a healthy eater. No pork or beef or (very limited) fast food. But to enhance what I already eat, I'm looking to include more fruit, and less bread, in my diet. (mmmmmm bread....) I've been looking up food and snack recipes and will post them soon but I really am looking to see if you all out there can help me.... Please post snacks that you utilize to help crave those mashed potato cravings. =)
I read that people who own a bathroom scale lose weight faster. Did I mention that I am afraid of scales? They always seem off by like 15 pounds....
But I think my main focus has been monitoring my food intake. I consider myself a healthy eater. No pork or beef or (very limited) fast food. But to enhance what I already eat, I'm looking to include more fruit, and less bread, in my diet. (mmmmmm bread....) I've been looking up food and snack recipes and will post them soon but I really am looking to see if you all out there can help me.... Please post snacks that you utilize to help crave those mashed potato cravings. =)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I wear your dog tags when you're gone.
I notice today that people stare and wonder why this sickly looking woman is wearing this dog tag. But then again, maybe they don't ask, maybe they just know.
When I was on the flight back from Germany, I became violently sick. I threw up several times. It was probably brought on by the crying I was doing. It was overnight and I tried not to bother any of the other passengers. Suffer in silent is the type of person I am.
But the lady next to me, she asked, "are you crying over the person who's tag you hold in your hand? Is he serving in the war?" She knew how my heart breaks then as Layci knew today at brunch. "Jazz, you don't look well."
I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it because I can't hear your voice? Or because I know you're not walking through the door before I leave? Its not like I don't know you're on your way home... So what is wrong with me?
I can't seem to make any decisions without running them by you. Its not like life won't go on if you don't know every moment of what I do. I do so much on a daily basis. So why am I so solemn without you?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Motivation Needed: Soliciting Motivation
So I have lost my motivation, aka, up-and-at-them attitude to tackle the things I wanted to.
1. Working Out
2. Business
3 . The Relationship
I think its due to a depressed stated I've been in. So what do I do?
I know if I'm focused on one, the others will follow. I think what I'll do is join a gym. Yeah, I know. I hear my money going down the toilet. But I need the motivation. I love kickboxing and the like. I know if I have to go there, and there is a schedule I am forced to be on, well, it makes sense.
We'll see how this goes. Can I find a gym in both Round Rock and Plano? WE SHALL SEE!
1. Working Out
2. Business
3 . The Relationship
I think its due to a depressed stated I've been in. So what do I do?
I know if I'm focused on one, the others will follow. I think what I'll do is join a gym. Yeah, I know. I hear my money going down the toilet. But I need the motivation. I love kickboxing and the like. I know if I have to go there, and there is a schedule I am forced to be on, well, it makes sense.
We'll see how this goes. Can I find a gym in both Round Rock and Plano? WE SHALL SEE!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Tears Not Shed
Tears are meant to express what words can't.
In moments of happiness, I like to say, it shows the heart overflowing.
In moments of sorrow, I believe, its truly the heart and soul crying.
When scared or overwhelmed, it expresses the search that goes on for the appropriate release, that may never come.
But its the tears that aren't shed, that say the most.
The anger, the hurt, the despair, the strength.
Few have seen me shed tears and I consider that a strength of mine.
I stand strong when others are weak, so they have something to hold on to.
I think everyone should be worried the day that strength weakens and I'm left with those shed-less tears,
in my hand.
In moments of happiness, I like to say, it shows the heart overflowing.
In moments of sorrow, I believe, its truly the heart and soul crying.
When scared or overwhelmed, it expresses the search that goes on for the appropriate release, that may never come.
But its the tears that aren't shed, that say the most.
The anger, the hurt, the despair, the strength.
Few have seen me shed tears and I consider that a strength of mine.
I stand strong when others are weak, so they have something to hold on to.
I think everyone should be worried the day that strength weakens and I'm left with those shed-less tears,
in my hand.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Vegas
So, because my man is just so freakin awesome, we went to vegas this year!
Day 1... Well first before Day 1 even begins, my poor man worked a full shift at work then stayed up all night washing clothes and cleaning and INSISTED that I take my behind to sleep. I was woken up by him moving my dresser in our room. It was such a freakin awesome thing. I think it came from me sayin 'Well I could feel more at home if I had some place to put my clothes.' Behold, he moves that huge dresser from the garage to the back room all by himself. I've had that dresser for 6 years and with every move its taken at least 2 people to move it. He's so freakin awesome.
We stayed at the stratosphere. Yeah, you walk into the room and after gazing at the suite you hear someone screaming and a body flying past your window, doesn't help your nerves you know.
The first night we hung out with his friends and did a wee bit gambling. Well he did.
The next morning, I feel, was the best... WE SLEPT IN for like half the day, watching football with room service. It was so awesome. Anyway, I think that was the highlight of the trip for me.
We explored Vegas, did a quick peak into most of the casinos/hotels. The stratosphere is so out of the way of everything, so I'm pretty sure we won't stay there again. Paris and the Belagio were my favorites. One night we sat outside and watched the water show which was freakin AWESOME! I said I wanted to stay there next time and he was like, "It sounds expensive." Its Vegas Baby!
I think it was NYNY where I had the craps table on fire for like 30 minutes! My baby could have made money on my beginners luck, but he kept bidding against me. What is up with that?
But point is we did not get married and I think that was the goal!
Day 1... Well first before Day 1 even begins, my poor man worked a full shift at work then stayed up all night washing clothes and cleaning and INSISTED that I take my behind to sleep. I was woken up by him moving my dresser in our room. It was such a freakin awesome thing. I think it came from me sayin 'Well I could feel more at home if I had some place to put my clothes.' Behold, he moves that huge dresser from the garage to the back room all by himself. I've had that dresser for 6 years and with every move its taken at least 2 people to move it. He's so freakin awesome.
We stayed at the stratosphere. Yeah, you walk into the room and after gazing at the suite you hear someone screaming and a body flying past your window, doesn't help your nerves you know.
The first night we hung out with his friends and did a wee bit gambling. Well he did.
The next morning, I feel, was the best... WE SLEPT IN for like half the day, watching football with room service. It was so awesome. Anyway, I think that was the highlight of the trip for me.
We explored Vegas, did a quick peak into most of the casinos/hotels. The stratosphere is so out of the way of everything, so I'm pretty sure we won't stay there again. Paris and the Belagio were my favorites. One night we sat outside and watched the water show which was freakin AWESOME! I said I wanted to stay there next time and he was like, "It sounds expensive." Its Vegas Baby!
I think it was NYNY where I had the craps table on fire for like 30 minutes! My baby could have made money on my beginners luck, but he kept bidding against me. What is up with that?
But point is we did not get married and I think that was the goal!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I have learned today that i have a long way to go...
Life is but a journey, we all know our destination, its how we get there that matters. I say this all the time. On this journey, you run into people and events that cause you to adapt, alter, or remain the same. I heard a statement of "Some say 'its times like this that make character' but its really times like this that shows character." Love it.
Well, I'm looking at my character and trying to determine what is me, what makes up me, and what drives me. Today, I realized, despite how much I've accomplished, I still have a long way to go.
Take my relationship for example. It is obvious that we both have learning to do, in regards to learning each other and how to communicate with each other. A labor of love no doubt, but yet and still, work.
In regards to myself, even after all the searching in the world, I find myself looking for the next chapter in my life, wondering when I realize that I am yet in the middle of a new adventure. Toying with the idea of culinary school, yet again. GMAT is inevitable, and of course the law school ideal that has come and gone year after year. Where I will go next? Not sure....
In regards to my family. I spent most of my life growing up without them, and I've spent the last 4 or 5 years around them. So what now? Travel back and forth? I know this sounds like a very minute thing for me to be thinking of because you probably have seen most of your family all the time growing up. I can't relay the confusion into words...
Then there is Daddy. Trying to figure out which weekend to come see him, and then scared to see him at the same time. Had a bit of a run in with him at the last visit, which you know, I'm not holding against him. But since I have an issue with confrontation, I don't know, I'm nervous about seeing him.
Lastly there is Mama. She just canceled her plans to come see me. I'm a wee bit disappointed, but you know, it happens. So why am I disappointed? Hmm....
So many questions in my mind, why on earth don't I know the answers? Probably because after all that I have been through... I still have a long way to go....
Well, I'm looking at my character and trying to determine what is me, what makes up me, and what drives me. Today, I realized, despite how much I've accomplished, I still have a long way to go.
Take my relationship for example. It is obvious that we both have learning to do, in regards to learning each other and how to communicate with each other. A labor of love no doubt, but yet and still, work.
In regards to myself, even after all the searching in the world, I find myself looking for the next chapter in my life, wondering when I realize that I am yet in the middle of a new adventure. Toying with the idea of culinary school, yet again. GMAT is inevitable, and of course the law school ideal that has come and gone year after year. Where I will go next? Not sure....
In regards to my family. I spent most of my life growing up without them, and I've spent the last 4 or 5 years around them. So what now? Travel back and forth? I know this sounds like a very minute thing for me to be thinking of because you probably have seen most of your family all the time growing up. I can't relay the confusion into words...
Then there is Daddy. Trying to figure out which weekend to come see him, and then scared to see him at the same time. Had a bit of a run in with him at the last visit, which you know, I'm not holding against him. But since I have an issue with confrontation, I don't know, I'm nervous about seeing him.
Lastly there is Mama. She just canceled her plans to come see me. I'm a wee bit disappointed, but you know, it happens. So why am I disappointed? Hmm....
So many questions in my mind, why on earth don't I know the answers? Probably because after all that I have been through... I still have a long way to go....
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Me: Not defined, but theorized
A theory is a contemplation or a speculation. To break it down even more, its merely a guess. So I like tp think that my life, thus far and more than likely in the future, is but a set of theories. What I think is right, what I think is wrong, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I am expected to do....
See, as a spiritual person, I believe God has a set out plan for every one of us. We go through our life trying to navigate that plan, either on our own or with His help, and we eventually come to a point where we finally "get it" or we just get lost on the journey there. So I look at the path God has already brought me. Random twists and turns, that honestly, I never thought I would be. For Example:
I had a conversation with my x just yesterday. Now, I have had my share of boyfriends, but in all retrospect, I've only really had ONE BIG relationship other than Devon and it was with the Gantalon. We spoke on the phone catching up and I made a statement that caught me off guard: "Gantalon, do you know that if I had not known Devon, I probably would have never gone out with you. Yep, I never would have given you a chance." "What? Why is that?" "Simple, its scary to say, but yall think the same, you have the same approach to life. I only just recently realized that. But see, I knew Devon first, and back then I thought he was slightly off his rocker. But see, once I had met you, I realized 'Well, apparently there are more than 1 person in the world that thinks this way and since the first one wasn't so bad, this one shouldn't be either.'" So of course he took it SO the wrong way. "So you're saying you dated me because I reminded you of someone else?" "No numb nuts!" He did say I use to call him names all the time, but I didn't say that. "You have to understand that someone before you laid the ground work that allowed you to play the role that you played in my life. Just like you laid the ground work for Devon in my life. Devon laid the ground work for you, which basically was Have an Open Mind. You laid the ground work for Devon by helping me realize what it truly was I wanted in a relationship and accept the hard work that comes with it."
I was proud of the analogy that I made. Even more so, it got me thinking. Every person, every place, every event has led to this moment right here. People ask how I got back to Texas, but honestly, my question is, what took me so long? I've always wanted to come back home. I just never had the guts, or motivation, to do something about it. Yes I got this awesome new job and yes, I got Devon. But even more so, I am in a place where I literally can do what it is that I've always wanted to do with my life. I've been thinking about taking the GMAT. I've been thinking about Culinary School. I've been thinking about my future and the many different directions it could go. I can't wait to see where I am in 6 months....
See, as a spiritual person, I believe God has a set out plan for every one of us. We go through our life trying to navigate that plan, either on our own or with His help, and we eventually come to a point where we finally "get it" or we just get lost on the journey there. So I look at the path God has already brought me. Random twists and turns, that honestly, I never thought I would be. For Example:
I had a conversation with my x just yesterday. Now, I have had my share of boyfriends, but in all retrospect, I've only really had ONE BIG relationship other than Devon and it was with the Gantalon. We spoke on the phone catching up and I made a statement that caught me off guard: "Gantalon, do you know that if I had not known Devon, I probably would have never gone out with you. Yep, I never would have given you a chance." "What? Why is that?" "Simple, its scary to say, but yall think the same, you have the same approach to life. I only just recently realized that. But see, I knew Devon first, and back then I thought he was slightly off his rocker. But see, once I had met you, I realized 'Well, apparently there are more than 1 person in the world that thinks this way and since the first one wasn't so bad, this one shouldn't be either.'" So of course he took it SO the wrong way. "So you're saying you dated me because I reminded you of someone else?" "No numb nuts!" He did say I use to call him names all the time, but I didn't say that. "You have to understand that someone before you laid the ground work that allowed you to play the role that you played in my life. Just like you laid the ground work for Devon in my life. Devon laid the ground work for you, which basically was Have an Open Mind. You laid the ground work for Devon by helping me realize what it truly was I wanted in a relationship and accept the hard work that comes with it."
I was proud of the analogy that I made. Even more so, it got me thinking. Every person, every place, every event has led to this moment right here. People ask how I got back to Texas, but honestly, my question is, what took me so long? I've always wanted to come back home. I just never had the guts, or motivation, to do something about it. Yes I got this awesome new job and yes, I got Devon. But even more so, I am in a place where I literally can do what it is that I've always wanted to do with my life. I've been thinking about taking the GMAT. I've been thinking about Culinary School. I've been thinking about my future and the many different directions it could go. I can't wait to see where I am in 6 months....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Freaking Myself Out
So I found this website that talks all about PCOS (Polycystic Ovaries).
http://www.pcosupport.org/
So much for trying to be informed. I think I just had an anxiety attack. This website states that I have a high risk of miscarrying, premature birth, and death during birth.... I'm sorry, but that is SO NOT COMFORTING. I know I shouldn't be freaking out, but I'M FREAKING OUT!
They have discussion boards too. Oh Father in Heaven, why did I read the discussion boards. They are talking about different treatments to get pregnant and treatments they have to have after miscarriages, which are apparently ridiculously common, and what tests to get at what time of the month to determine what is out of whack that week. I'm not mentally ready for this!!!! [pause while I wait for SOMEONE to slap some sense into me...still waiting...]
Yep, I'm definitely having a panic attack....
Oh Dear God, please give me peace onto today. Please bring peace back into my life. My nerves are on edge, and it doesn't help that this pain is keeping me in bed. I'm afraid to admit that I am depressed at this point. I want to go and get more blood work done, but I know you are telling me to be patient. I want to run crying, but I know that you have placed me here in my holding chamber to strengthen me on my own. Yet and still, I am scared. Please come into this vessel Lord. I wish so much to feel your presence. I know the enemy is already defeated. I know that you have deemed me a conqueror. Right now Father, I need help not for my unbelief, but for my belief. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.
http://www.pcosupport.org/
So much for trying to be informed. I think I just had an anxiety attack. This website states that I have a high risk of miscarrying, premature birth, and death during birth.... I'm sorry, but that is SO NOT COMFORTING. I know I shouldn't be freaking out, but I'M FREAKING OUT!
They have discussion boards too. Oh Father in Heaven, why did I read the discussion boards. They are talking about different treatments to get pregnant and treatments they have to have after miscarriages, which are apparently ridiculously common, and what tests to get at what time of the month to determine what is out of whack that week. I'm not mentally ready for this!!!! [pause while I wait for SOMEONE to slap some sense into me...still waiting...]
Yep, I'm definitely having a panic attack....
Oh Dear God, please give me peace onto today. Please bring peace back into my life. My nerves are on edge, and it doesn't help that this pain is keeping me in bed. I'm afraid to admit that I am depressed at this point. I want to go and get more blood work done, but I know you are telling me to be patient. I want to run crying, but I know that you have placed me here in my holding chamber to strengthen me on my own. Yet and still, I am scared. Please come into this vessel Lord. I wish so much to feel your presence. I know the enemy is already defeated. I know that you have deemed me a conqueror. Right now Father, I need help not for my unbelief, but for my belief. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.
Motivation Needed; Accepting Applications
I'm done being fat. I want to be skinny too darn it. So I'm looking for motivation! Any kind of activity suggestions, personal trainer recommendations, or work out buddy applications are greatly appreciated. If you're not serious, DON'T TALK TO ME.
Monday, August 9, 2010
New Medical Condition: New News, Old Story
Friday I was spending a glorious day with my Devon. He's such a great man. He enjoys life and he enjoys enjoying life with me (like how I put that?). I've never seen him so happy just to have me so close. Even though I spent most of Thursday and Friday cleaning, you know, it doesn't bother me. I'm cleaning out the oven while he mows the lawn. Its like I would picture it if I could you know.
But the bliss was quickly disrupted by me and my "brokenness" (for lack of a better term). In the midst of the giggles and smiles, I fall to the ground in complete agony. Almost out of nowhere. I fall to the ground screaming and poor Devon, he looked so scared. Like a horrible nightmare you know. He picks me up and puts me on the couch, on the side I'm not grabbing, "What do I do? What do you want me to do?" I can't respond, throwing my face into the couch cushions, still screaming in agony. I'm surprised he was able to keep his cool. I probably would have called the fire department or something. For him to feel so helpless with me in such a state, I can't imagine how that felt for him.
I would say 30 minutes passed. Although the pain had not subsided completely, I was able to get words out. I asked him to get my phone and my wallet. The phone had the number to my OBGYN in Charlotte, the wallet had my medical card. As he looked for medical providers in the area, I called my Doctor who has completely turned my medical condition around in a year and a half. I didn't know what else to do. The nurse for my doctor greets me as if I was calling any other day, but when she heard the pain in my voice, I kind of heard panic in her voice. Yeah, because that is what I need to hear in this traumatic moment you know. "Jazz, are you in Texas with your boyfriend?" Yes, I can't get to you but I don't know what to do. Well because there was no blood, the concern was not immediate but it was enough for her to say to see a doctor ASAP.
Over the next 3 days the pain subsided but the soreness was still there. I never slept on my left side to begin with but bending over and getting up seemed to be such a difficult thing to do. So I go to this new doctor I find in the listing for my medical plan. I drive up and it says OBGYN and Fertility Office. What? I don't want to go to a Fertility Office, I want to run from it! But I guess it was a blessing in disguise that this doctor was a fertility expert, otherwise the issue may never have been found.
After discussing my medical history and what happened on Friday, he had several theories of what it could be, but wanted to get an ultrasound to be sure. So the diagnosis:
But the bliss was quickly disrupted by me and my "brokenness" (for lack of a better term). In the midst of the giggles and smiles, I fall to the ground in complete agony. Almost out of nowhere. I fall to the ground screaming and poor Devon, he looked so scared. Like a horrible nightmare you know. He picks me up and puts me on the couch, on the side I'm not grabbing, "What do I do? What do you want me to do?" I can't respond, throwing my face into the couch cushions, still screaming in agony. I'm surprised he was able to keep his cool. I probably would have called the fire department or something. For him to feel so helpless with me in such a state, I can't imagine how that felt for him.
I would say 30 minutes passed. Although the pain had not subsided completely, I was able to get words out. I asked him to get my phone and my wallet. The phone had the number to my OBGYN in Charlotte, the wallet had my medical card. As he looked for medical providers in the area, I called my Doctor who has completely turned my medical condition around in a year and a half. I didn't know what else to do. The nurse for my doctor greets me as if I was calling any other day, but when she heard the pain in my voice, I kind of heard panic in her voice. Yeah, because that is what I need to hear in this traumatic moment you know. "Jazz, are you in Texas with your boyfriend?" Yes, I can't get to you but I don't know what to do. Well because there was no blood, the concern was not immediate but it was enough for her to say to see a doctor ASAP.
Over the next 3 days the pain subsided but the soreness was still there. I never slept on my left side to begin with but bending over and getting up seemed to be such a difficult thing to do. So I go to this new doctor I find in the listing for my medical plan. I drive up and it says OBGYN and Fertility Office. What? I don't want to go to a Fertility Office, I want to run from it! But I guess it was a blessing in disguise that this doctor was a fertility expert, otherwise the issue may never have been found.
After discussing my medical history and what happened on Friday, he had several theories of what it could be, but wanted to get an ultrasound to be sure. So the diagnosis:
- My original concern was that my Mirena (IUD) had pierced my uterian wall. Well, the Mirena is where is should be and is not disrupting anything. What a relief that is. I started my periods so early and for as long as I can remember, they've been hell. I could go 3 months without a period and when it came on, boy was it painful. To add to it, my anemia and iron deficiency didn't help the situation. So needless to say, I was happy when I got the Mirena. I really feel like I am on Cloud 9 with this thing outside of the one off situations. Even though taking it out was on my mind, I really don't want to unless absolutely necessary.
- He was more concerned about my ovaries and rightfully so. I had my first ultrasound today and boy was that creepy. My left ovary, not so bad. It had several little cysts on it, but nothing "of great concern" according to the Doctor. The right one, however, is twice the size it should be. Fabulous. I thought I was always an overachiever... =/ That sucker had more cysts than he expected apparently. Ima need Dr. Duncan to work on his poker face!
- I have a condition called Polycystic Ovaries, which apparently I've had my whole life.
- The overall concern with this condition is that it will cause me to have great difficulties to have children, if I can at all.
- The older I get the harder it will be for me to have kids, so my window closes, literally at 30/32.
You know my greatest concern is, "how do I tell Devon?" Knowing how much he wants children and that I may not be the best candidate for producing little Wiles, I just found it amazing that was my first reaction. But I set it in my mind, "I'm not going to jump and have kids because this doctor says, once again, that me having kids will be really difficult, if not completely impossible. I'm still going to wait and plan like I originally wanted to. I just know that my window is shorter and that realistically, I can't wait until I'm 35. I got it, but I have to stay mindful that I can't rush it either.
I guess now I'm staying prayerful and faithful that God's Will is still the last word and that his plan is perfect and absolute and that if it is in his will for me to reproduce, than I will. Right now, outside of the pain that I'm in, I think I'm still in shock. That sonogram was a freaky thing to see I tell you. Asking God to give me a stable mindset so that I can go into work tomorrow and still kick things out accordingly. So keep me in your prayers.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Settling In
So I've been in Texas for a week now. Got into the apartment.... somewhat disappointed but doable. Love the job, as it hasn't changed of course. I got an office now! Door, windows (oh yeah I got 2) and mahogany wood furniture. Freakin Awesome if I do say so myself.
Just adapting is taking most of my energy nowadays. Not really much of anything else to do. I would like to focus on the business, but unfortunately, I need to find new suppliers. I found a few cute little shops just in my riding around my job, but I know I'll be up and running soon.
Just tired now from a day of, for lack of a better term, medical drama.... Take that Hawthorne. Post regarding it will come shortly.
But special shots go out to Niki and Sway Sway for making that trek with me. Cross country wasn't so bad, but I promise you, Arkansas will not have us visiting again any time soon. Tennessee however, is a very beautiful state. We will definitely do an outdoor vacation there in the future.
Just adapting is taking most of my energy nowadays. Not really much of anything else to do. I would like to focus on the business, but unfortunately, I need to find new suppliers. I found a few cute little shops just in my riding around my job, but I know I'll be up and running soon.
Just tired now from a day of, for lack of a better term, medical drama.... Take that Hawthorne. Post regarding it will come shortly.
But special shots go out to Niki and Sway Sway for making that trek with me. Cross country wasn't so bad, but I promise you, Arkansas will not have us visiting again any time soon. Tennessee however, is a very beautiful state. We will definitely do an outdoor vacation there in the future.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Millie's Memories
My Grandmother has Alzheimers. For those who have not had to go through seeing a family member fade, consider yourself blessed. As the only grandchild and her beloved "Love Bug," for her to not recognize me is short of heartbreaking.
But I am never one to sit around and do nothing. So, this year will be my first year to participate in the Alzheimer Associations' Memory Walk! Yes, I'll be walking in the Texas heat, 3 miles, for my grandmother. In my mind, I feel like it might not be enough, but that's ok.
So Please, go to my website and help support our cause. http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/forfuturememories
My team's name is Millie's Memories. Although my Grandmother never goes by her first name, I felt like it represented all of those Grandmothers out there. I'm looking for team mates who have the same passion to help save their Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, etc's memories not just for themselves, but for the future generations. So if you have nothing else to do on October 16th, COME OUT AND WALK WITH US!
http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/millies_memories
Be on the look out for more information regarding this cause.
But I am never one to sit around and do nothing. So, this year will be my first year to participate in the Alzheimer Associations' Memory Walk! Yes, I'll be walking in the Texas heat, 3 miles, for my grandmother. In my mind, I feel like it might not be enough, but that's ok.
So Please, go to my website and help support our cause. http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/forfuturememories
My team's name is Millie's Memories. Although my Grandmother never goes by her first name, I felt like it represented all of those Grandmothers out there. I'm looking for team mates who have the same passion to help save their Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, etc's memories not just for themselves, but for the future generations. So if you have nothing else to do on October 16th, COME OUT AND WALK WITH US!
http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/millies_memories
Be on the look out for more information regarding this cause.
Winding Down
This time tomorrow, I will be on the road to Texas. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm either so discontent with the state of everything now, I'm just ready to have a life again, or, I'm in denial about how much I'll miss everything. My guess is that I'm somewhere in between. But I'm definitely ready for my own life again. Yes I love my dear friends who have allowed me to crash on their couches and spare beds these last few weeks. I've felt like a college drop out for a little bit. But I'm ready for my own life again. I'm ready to have my own bed, cook in my own kitchen, and cuddle with The Sexiest Man Alive. Lol, in my head that last one had a commentator who's voice was traveling through both space and time. (Blame it on the ridiculous hour).
Why am I up so early? I was trying to make a surprise birthday cake for my dearest friend for the past 4 years. Yeah, what kind of friend am I that I leave her on her birthday? Geez, I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I digress. I'm ready to make set plans again! For a solid year, I have not made any serious plans or committments, waiting for the moment when I have to move. NOW I CAN. Devon wants to go camping, I'm planning on training for a walk and marathon (loose this I'm getting old weight) and of course, mama is going to want to make her visits. But plans are plans.... so be on the look out! 2010 is the year of stepping out of faith. 2011 is going to be the year of great things.
Why am I up so early? I was trying to make a surprise birthday cake for my dearest friend for the past 4 years. Yeah, what kind of friend am I that I leave her on her birthday? Geez, I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I digress. I'm ready to make set plans again! For a solid year, I have not made any serious plans or committments, waiting for the moment when I have to move. NOW I CAN. Devon wants to go camping, I'm planning on training for a walk and marathon (loose this I'm getting old weight) and of course, mama is going to want to make her visits. But plans are plans.... so be on the look out! 2010 is the year of stepping out of faith. 2011 is going to be the year of great things.
Monday, July 26, 2010
People, Adjust Your Mindset!!!
It is proven that your mindset effects the direction of your life, how you treat people, and how people treat you. So when someone points out that you need to watch it, don't get mad, step back and wonder why they feel they need to tell you that. Seriously. I know several people who do nothing but complain. NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN. Everytime I see them, the first thing out of their mouth is a complaint. Can a sister get a "Good Afternoon?"
Complainers, Ney-Sayers, and Pessimists:
You are a negative person in the lives of others. You have "friends" who keep you at an arms length, because quite frankly, your attitude is extremely draining. Why should someone have to overextend their energy to be your friend? Why is it that you don't seem to keep too many friends around for too long? Have you ever wondered why? Sadly, you have lost friends, like myself, because any good news or hope that they choose to share with you, you feel the need to be negative at every turn. Constructive critisim is needed among friends, but if nothing you say is constructive, only destructive, it is to the friendship as well.
I'm not being mean when I ask you, "Can you say something positive?" You're proving my point when all you can say is, "It didn't rain today."
Mathematically speaking, ATTITUDE = 100% (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5). I don't think that was an accident. I think we all want to grown and develop, and I understand you wanting to be realistic about life. But don't allow that mindset to keep you from enjoying the moments and people in your life that help give you that hope and faith you need to have a positive outlook.
Complainers, Ney-Sayers, and Pessimists:
You are a negative person in the lives of others. You have "friends" who keep you at an arms length, because quite frankly, your attitude is extremely draining. Why should someone have to overextend their energy to be your friend? Why is it that you don't seem to keep too many friends around for too long? Have you ever wondered why? Sadly, you have lost friends, like myself, because any good news or hope that they choose to share with you, you feel the need to be negative at every turn. Constructive critisim is needed among friends, but if nothing you say is constructive, only destructive, it is to the friendship as well.
I'm not being mean when I ask you, "Can you say something positive?" You're proving my point when all you can say is, "It didn't rain today."
Mathematically speaking, ATTITUDE = 100% (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5). I don't think that was an accident. I think we all want to grown and develop, and I understand you wanting to be realistic about life. But don't allow that mindset to keep you from enjoying the moments and people in your life that help give you that hope and faith you need to have a positive outlook.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Great Disconnection
As a child growing up in the military, I was forced to move more often than most people do their whole lives. The sacrifice of not bearing roots was usually outweighed by being exposed to numerous countries and cultures. The greatest setback, of course, was my inability to hold onto friends. The process of doing that was just too hard and seemed to damaging. Think of being 13 years old, having your first boyfriend, having the best friends for the past 3 years, and being told you're moving in 30 days. At the time, Facebook and MySpace were not even thought of. Yes you can write once you have settled where ever you're going, but the truth is that it breaks your heart. First, the wave of, "I'm losing everything" washes over your thoughts. Typical teenage reaction I believe. Second, regret. Did you do everything you wanted to do with your friends? I think at the time, I hadn't even had my first kiss. The school dance was like a week away. I mean, wondering even if going was worth it. People think its just so easy to up and move like that. Not realizing the hurt and pain one endures.
As a result, as most military children do, I learned how to disconnect from people. Yes, that sounds cruel, but how else do you expect someone to adjust quickly to going to a new school, when they have 4 new schools in 3 years. Its just not that simple. Over the years, I believe it has become so engraved in my personality that I have to catch myself.
But now as an adult, who really has spawn roots and then has voluntarily decided to move, I'm not sure how to react. I want to disconnect as always, but it hurts just as much to do that than to hold on. I'm sure that as I am struggling with this coping mechanism that I have, my friends in turn are just as confused. So as I sit here trying to explain it to you in the best way I know how, I'm trying to figure out if it is understandable to the point that everyone around me will receive the epiphany I'm looking for.
I don't want to disconnect with my friends in Charlotte. But I don't know how else to adjust to this situation. Either way, I'm broken hearted.
As a result, as most military children do, I learned how to disconnect from people. Yes, that sounds cruel, but how else do you expect someone to adjust quickly to going to a new school, when they have 4 new schools in 3 years. Its just not that simple. Over the years, I believe it has become so engraved in my personality that I have to catch myself.
But now as an adult, who really has spawn roots and then has voluntarily decided to move, I'm not sure how to react. I want to disconnect as always, but it hurts just as much to do that than to hold on. I'm sure that as I am struggling with this coping mechanism that I have, my friends in turn are just as confused. So as I sit here trying to explain it to you in the best way I know how, I'm trying to figure out if it is understandable to the point that everyone around me will receive the epiphany I'm looking for.
I don't want to disconnect with my friends in Charlotte. But I don't know how else to adjust to this situation. Either way, I'm broken hearted.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
God watches over babies and fools....
My heart hearts to see the people in my life who are suffering. My heart breaks to see the people in my life who are suffering due to their own choices, knowing the consequences. Does that make them fools?
One too many times, people have come to me for advice, help, or just to be there in their time of need. But lately, some of those individuals, I have found, are right back in that same situation. Even worse, they have attempted to keep this information from reaching me. Is it due to shame or the fact that I would remind them of the words that they spoke to me, not too long ago. Regardless, it breaks my heart.
Your life and your decisions are in your hands. I can only be of help if you want it. I can take a hint when you don't want it. But in the mean time, am I suppose to sit by and just watch you suffer? That doesn't feel right. I can pray all I want to, but my heart still hurts...
You can lead a horse to water but.....
I can't beat myself up about your decisions. You're grown. But I will just cry in my prayers and hope I don't have to be a witness to your same pain once again.
One too many times, people have come to me for advice, help, or just to be there in their time of need. But lately, some of those individuals, I have found, are right back in that same situation. Even worse, they have attempted to keep this information from reaching me. Is it due to shame or the fact that I would remind them of the words that they spoke to me, not too long ago. Regardless, it breaks my heart.
Your life and your decisions are in your hands. I can only be of help if you want it. I can take a hint when you don't want it. But in the mean time, am I suppose to sit by and just watch you suffer? That doesn't feel right. I can pray all I want to, but my heart still hurts...
You can lead a horse to water but.....
I can't beat myself up about your decisions. You're grown. But I will just cry in my prayers and hope I don't have to be a witness to your same pain once again.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Romantic, and not even trying to be
So for the 4th, my Devon was romantic, and he wasn't even trying to be.
Mind you that we spent all day in the hot July Austin Sun unloading my life from the back of a uhaul into his 2 car garage (of which no vehicle can now fit....). Outside of exhausted from that manual labor and the fact that he had driven cross country in literally 24 hours, its hard to not understand the desire to just pass out on the couch and forgo the Independence Day Festivities. Talks of going downtown Austin to enjoy the fesitivies just seemed too optimistic.
But what did he do? He took the vegetable drawer out of the refridgerator, filled it with ice (instant cooler is what he referred to it as) put some beers, Honey Moon for me and Shiner for him, and salsa in it. Grabbed some chips, a blanket, and bug repelent and went in the back yard. Now, he had mentioned to me watching the fireworks from the roof of his house, but I honestly thought he was joking....
Trying to get over my own fears and thoughts of "on the roof of what?" he hoisted me up to roof over his back porch, which was a relatively flat surface. I was greeted with a pleasurably cool breeze, which was greatly appreciated after the work we put in for today. Realizing that for the first time in my life, I have willing placed myself to the will and mercy of gravity, I quickly clung to the shingles of the roof, hoping to not damage the home that he has not own for a year yet. Looking around, I realize that we had a pretty good view of the surrounding hill tops, but with all the full trees in the back yard, its pretty hard to see. I started to inch myself up slowly, quickly realizing that holding on to this blanket was my fastest way to be back on the ground. Next thing I know, my "spider man" leaps onto the roof and sprints to the peak of the roof, talking about "come on jazz!"
To the South, my left, you could see the Austin fireworks, probably lasted a good 45 minutes. To the North, my right, you could see the Round Rock fireworks, which obviously were closer, but not as extravagant. Over the horizon from the south to the north, every little town in the hill country of Texas, and some excited neighbors, had fireworks going into the late hours that night. The neighbors in the front yard of the cul de sac also had their own fireworks display going. 360 degrees of fireworks, back to back with my honey.
When most of the finales had come to a close, we slid back down to the roof over the porch and laid on the blanket. With his Android phone, he has an app for Google Sky, which shows the constellations in the sky, with the labels for easier recognition. Just hold it up in the direction you are looking and it becomes an instant observatory. Since the sky was slightly cloudy, it was a huge help. Ending the night on that note, he just wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to enjoy the holiday in a stress free environment, while not missing anything at the same time. Being romantic, and not even trying.....
Mind you that we spent all day in the hot July Austin Sun unloading my life from the back of a uhaul into his 2 car garage (of which no vehicle can now fit....). Outside of exhausted from that manual labor and the fact that he had driven cross country in literally 24 hours, its hard to not understand the desire to just pass out on the couch and forgo the Independence Day Festivities. Talks of going downtown Austin to enjoy the fesitivies just seemed too optimistic.
But what did he do? He took the vegetable drawer out of the refridgerator, filled it with ice (instant cooler is what he referred to it as) put some beers, Honey Moon for me and Shiner for him, and salsa in it. Grabbed some chips, a blanket, and bug repelent and went in the back yard. Now, he had mentioned to me watching the fireworks from the roof of his house, but I honestly thought he was joking....
Trying to get over my own fears and thoughts of "on the roof of what?" he hoisted me up to roof over his back porch, which was a relatively flat surface. I was greeted with a pleasurably cool breeze, which was greatly appreciated after the work we put in for today. Realizing that for the first time in my life, I have willing placed myself to the will and mercy of gravity, I quickly clung to the shingles of the roof, hoping to not damage the home that he has not own for a year yet. Looking around, I realize that we had a pretty good view of the surrounding hill tops, but with all the full trees in the back yard, its pretty hard to see. I started to inch myself up slowly, quickly realizing that holding on to this blanket was my fastest way to be back on the ground. Next thing I know, my "spider man" leaps onto the roof and sprints to the peak of the roof, talking about "come on jazz!"
To the South, my left, you could see the Austin fireworks, probably lasted a good 45 minutes. To the North, my right, you could see the Round Rock fireworks, which obviously were closer, but not as extravagant. Over the horizon from the south to the north, every little town in the hill country of Texas, and some excited neighbors, had fireworks going into the late hours that night. The neighbors in the front yard of the cul de sac also had their own fireworks display going. 360 degrees of fireworks, back to back with my honey.
When most of the finales had come to a close, we slid back down to the roof over the porch and laid on the blanket. With his Android phone, he has an app for Google Sky, which shows the constellations in the sky, with the labels for easier recognition. Just hold it up in the direction you are looking and it becomes an instant observatory. Since the sky was slightly cloudy, it was a huge help. Ending the night on that note, he just wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to enjoy the holiday in a stress free environment, while not missing anything at the same time. Being romantic, and not even trying.....
Enjoying Life.... the lack of....
Live every moment like its your last, live every day like your breaths were in short supply, carpe diem.... All of these sayings relay the same message, "Tomorrow is not promised" so you should enjoy every moment with that in mind.
Now it sounds simple enough. With the mentality that you may not wake up in the morning, you complain less, smile more, and realize that the little thing really don't mean anything. It really, despite the concept of immediate and undeniable doom, is quite optimistic.
So, for the past year, I have not done that. I think I may be selling myself short, but in all honestly, I really have just been going with the flow in regards to any and every thing. My focus has been to accomplish one or two things in my life within a certain time span, which I have. But in the mean time, my life has quite literally been on hold.
So now I find myself on the cusp between life G and life H and I look around and see how everyone's life seems to be just a wee bit more enjoyable than my own and it causes me to wonder, when was the last time I enjoyed my life? Despite the current state that I'm in and the transition that I'm in, it should not deny me the little moments in life that I am entitled to enjoy... so why am I not enjoying them? If anything, I'm a wee bit depressed that I'm not enjoying them, causing me to look for the most extraordinary events and circumstances to cause or get into just have some sense of "at least I'm not waiting around for the change to experience stuff." Yet still, I feel like I am lacking.
So what is next? Really Jazz.... What is next?
Now it sounds simple enough. With the mentality that you may not wake up in the morning, you complain less, smile more, and realize that the little thing really don't mean anything. It really, despite the concept of immediate and undeniable doom, is quite optimistic.
So, for the past year, I have not done that. I think I may be selling myself short, but in all honestly, I really have just been going with the flow in regards to any and every thing. My focus has been to accomplish one or two things in my life within a certain time span, which I have. But in the mean time, my life has quite literally been on hold.
So now I find myself on the cusp between life G and life H and I look around and see how everyone's life seems to be just a wee bit more enjoyable than my own and it causes me to wonder, when was the last time I enjoyed my life? Despite the current state that I'm in and the transition that I'm in, it should not deny me the little moments in life that I am entitled to enjoy... so why am I not enjoying them? If anything, I'm a wee bit depressed that I'm not enjoying them, causing me to look for the most extraordinary events and circumstances to cause or get into just have some sense of "at least I'm not waiting around for the change to experience stuff." Yet still, I feel like I am lacking.
So what is next? Really Jazz.... What is next?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Who we really are?
As I sit here trapped in the Houston International Airport on a VERY wet day, I start to reflect on a concern of mine for the past couple of months.
I believe one of the greatest realizations that we have in our lives is to discover that we are not who we were yesterday and we are not who we will be tomorrow. Except for the stubborn few, most of us spend our lives discovering who we are on a daily basis. Realizing that the likes from yesterday are the dislikes of tomorrow, the favorites of today are the forgotten in the future.... we are currently, constantly, and inconsistently changing, evolving, in our character and our personality.
The foundation, however, never changes. The morals and beliefs set in us at an early stage always remains. But depending on the age, the location (physically, spiritually, and career wise, etc) and the people you run into, whether daily or for that one unforgettable moment, you change. The domino effect of every living being and every interaction changing us from distance.
So what happens when you are faced with the question of "Who am I, really?"
I find myself one personality in front of a certain group and another personality type in front of others. Please do not confuse that with a personality disorder, mearly understanding the difference between "work time and play time." But then I run into the situation where some of my friends/family state, "You're too serious" all the time. Really? Am I too serious or your jokes just too obscene and racist to spark a laugh out of me? Or are you constant bantering about how I'm in my mind 20's and not married and other annoying topics just not interest my interaction? But I'm too serious? Sorry, I digress.
Understanding who we are is not necessarily, in my opinion, what we are drawn to at that moment in our lives, but more so, what the characteristics are of the events, people, and themes that cause us to be attracted to them in the first place. The motivation, not the action. Like for myself. I am always looking to improve myself, period. That really sums it up. From working out (to get my body fit), to reading (to get my mind fit) to being in social activities (because socializing helps you explore things you were not aware of to begin with). So if you see me reading or digging up the yard, or painting a room and/or furniture, its all in the matter as it relates to me improving myself and/or my standard of living.
I think understanding that motivation, that drive, and what our attraction point is, it helps us to be more confident in our selves and our decisions while giving us that undeniable sense of security in our convictions and standards.
I believe one of the greatest realizations that we have in our lives is to discover that we are not who we were yesterday and we are not who we will be tomorrow. Except for the stubborn few, most of us spend our lives discovering who we are on a daily basis. Realizing that the likes from yesterday are the dislikes of tomorrow, the favorites of today are the forgotten in the future.... we are currently, constantly, and inconsistently changing, evolving, in our character and our personality.
The foundation, however, never changes. The morals and beliefs set in us at an early stage always remains. But depending on the age, the location (physically, spiritually, and career wise, etc) and the people you run into, whether daily or for that one unforgettable moment, you change. The domino effect of every living being and every interaction changing us from distance.
So what happens when you are faced with the question of "Who am I, really?"
I find myself one personality in front of a certain group and another personality type in front of others. Please do not confuse that with a personality disorder, mearly understanding the difference between "work time and play time." But then I run into the situation where some of my friends/family state, "You're too serious" all the time. Really? Am I too serious or your jokes just too obscene and racist to spark a laugh out of me? Or are you constant bantering about how I'm in my mind 20's and not married and other annoying topics just not interest my interaction? But I'm too serious? Sorry, I digress.
Understanding who we are is not necessarily, in my opinion, what we are drawn to at that moment in our lives, but more so, what the characteristics are of the events, people, and themes that cause us to be attracted to them in the first place. The motivation, not the action. Like for myself. I am always looking to improve myself, period. That really sums it up. From working out (to get my body fit), to reading (to get my mind fit) to being in social activities (because socializing helps you explore things you were not aware of to begin with). So if you see me reading or digging up the yard, or painting a room and/or furniture, its all in the matter as it relates to me improving myself and/or my standard of living.
I think understanding that motivation, that drive, and what our attraction point is, it helps us to be more confident in our selves and our decisions while giving us that undeniable sense of security in our convictions and standards.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Its about that time
So I'm a month into the new job. I mean can we say perfect fit? I'm in a great position, doing awesome work, meeting various people and I really like it thus far. Even if I have to be in the office on a saturday and sunday, right now, it really doesn't bother me.
The only thing that really bothers me is how tech supports keeps flubbing up everything.... every day.... COME ON PEOPLE!..... but i digress.
Its about that time to finish up the packing, and I'm totally not finished. I'm not ready for next week's move. I really am not..... nothing much else to say. These clothes won't pack themselves..... then the panic starts to set it. I'M NOT DONE PACKING. Even though I feel like I've been packing for a year.... I guess technically I have been. Where did all of this stuff come from? Where did all of these CLOTHES come from? HELP!!!!
But to keep myself on track, I look to my future in Texas and start to make my list of things I want to do upon my arrival. I know you want to read it, so here it goes:
When I get to Texas, my transition will be one of pure growth; personally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. So, here is my list of things we, as in I, have to implement immediately:
- Spiritually: Find a church home, but we will not repeat the errors of the past. I will limit my activities within the church, maybe to only playing in the orchestra. Yes, I think that will just about be enough.
- Physically: I mean lets face it, we need to lose 50 pounds. Yes I said it! So, if we can right the bike to work, then do it. Otherwise, we, as in I, have already set my sights on apartments with fitness centers in place (no gym membership fees!). The workout schedule will include 40 min cardio, 15 min abs, 15 min weights, just like in the old days OR I will find a martial arts studio and pick back up kickboxing.
- Personally: Inspired Creations by Yvonne, the business... Go hard or go home.
That alone will keep me busy but...
- if I can start a small garden in the apartment, do.
- start a veggie garden at devon's, after building the nursery/ zen garden.
- sorority... Repeatedly revisited idea. In Dallas, may entertain so that I may begin to meet new people.
Everything I want to do, but will I be able to do it? We shall see.
The only thing that really bothers me is how tech supports keeps flubbing up everything.... every day.... COME ON PEOPLE!..... but i digress.
Its about that time to finish up the packing, and I'm totally not finished. I'm not ready for next week's move. I really am not..... nothing much else to say. These clothes won't pack themselves..... then the panic starts to set it. I'M NOT DONE PACKING. Even though I feel like I've been packing for a year.... I guess technically I have been. Where did all of this stuff come from? Where did all of these CLOTHES come from? HELP!!!!
But to keep myself on track, I look to my future in Texas and start to make my list of things I want to do upon my arrival. I know you want to read it, so here it goes:
When I get to Texas, my transition will be one of pure growth; personally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. So, here is my list of things we, as in I, have to implement immediately:
- Spiritually: Find a church home, but we will not repeat the errors of the past. I will limit my activities within the church, maybe to only playing in the orchestra. Yes, I think that will just about be enough.
- Physically: I mean lets face it, we need to lose 50 pounds. Yes I said it! So, if we can right the bike to work, then do it. Otherwise, we, as in I, have already set my sights on apartments with fitness centers in place (no gym membership fees!). The workout schedule will include 40 min cardio, 15 min abs, 15 min weights, just like in the old days OR I will find a martial arts studio and pick back up kickboxing.
- Personally: Inspired Creations by Yvonne, the business... Go hard or go home.
That alone will keep me busy but...
- if I can start a small garden in the apartment, do.
- start a veggie garden at devon's, after building the nursery/ zen garden.
- sorority... Repeatedly revisited idea. In Dallas, may entertain so that I may begin to meet new people.
Everything I want to do, but will I be able to do it? We shall see.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Stepping Out on Faith
The move is right around the corner, and yet, I'm still not excited.... More worried than anything else.
What if I hate it in Texas? What if my job over works me? What if I hate my job? What if I hate my manager. What if I hate the city I live in? What if my relationship doesn't work out? What if I am a miserable mess from here on out...
I'm naturally an optimist, but I can't help but state the obvious here, I'm simply scared of the unknown. As the logic person I am, I guess this is to be expected.
I always look forward to meeting new people, having new experiences, seeing new things. Its what drives me.... so why am I scared?
Is it the mundane process of packing and throwing away and realizing that "hey, this packing process is taking WAY too long"? Is it the tediousness of planning the move, lining up the funding, getting the ulcer. I mean, seriously, not since the merger (of the banks) have I ever felt so stressed.... and I hate it.
I hate what this stress has done to me.... its made me a pessimist, assuming the worse of the situation, because the best is the least likely alternative.... Geez, that is such a depressing mindset. How did I get here?
Can I hope that once the move has occurred, everything will be ok? Is that a fair assessment? What is considered "ok"? What happens if things don't get better? Is the fall harder due to the shatter of disappointed hopes?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11:1)
With God guiding my steps of course, I have the hope that a great future is in store for me in Texas. That of a great career opportunity, the ability to finally get out of debt, the access to family I don't know very well, and maybe even the possibility of a family of my own.... I have hope in so many things that seem so far away, but my heart tells me to go towards them. I know that God has plans for me that go beyond what one can plan for ones self. The fact that God was able to bring true love in the form and method he has, the power in the series of events that have unfolded in my life, I believe in many things that seem so impossible to the everyday person.
So here I am, convincing myself that I am stepping out on faith, not because it is expected of me, but because, there are so many things that are in store for me, and who am I to stand in the way of my own blessings?
The devil would have me believe that I do not deserve the blessings that are, for lack of a better comparison, are my birth right. God had this plan for me long before I was ever born. And just knowing that alone, well, that makes this up and coming ulcer worth it.
Father, continue to guide my steps, ease my discomfort, and lighten my heart. The journey is long and hard, but I do not want to be coarse when I come out of it. Please allow me to grow and you have desired me to. I'm ready to be who you have desired for me to be.
What if I hate it in Texas? What if my job over works me? What if I hate my job? What if I hate my manager. What if I hate the city I live in? What if my relationship doesn't work out? What if I am a miserable mess from here on out...
I'm naturally an optimist, but I can't help but state the obvious here, I'm simply scared of the unknown. As the logic person I am, I guess this is to be expected.
I always look forward to meeting new people, having new experiences, seeing new things. Its what drives me.... so why am I scared?
Is it the mundane process of packing and throwing away and realizing that "hey, this packing process is taking WAY too long"? Is it the tediousness of planning the move, lining up the funding, getting the ulcer. I mean, seriously, not since the merger (of the banks) have I ever felt so stressed.... and I hate it.
I hate what this stress has done to me.... its made me a pessimist, assuming the worse of the situation, because the best is the least likely alternative.... Geez, that is such a depressing mindset. How did I get here?
Can I hope that once the move has occurred, everything will be ok? Is that a fair assessment? What is considered "ok"? What happens if things don't get better? Is the fall harder due to the shatter of disappointed hopes?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11:1)
With God guiding my steps of course, I have the hope that a great future is in store for me in Texas. That of a great career opportunity, the ability to finally get out of debt, the access to family I don't know very well, and maybe even the possibility of a family of my own.... I have hope in so many things that seem so far away, but my heart tells me to go towards them. I know that God has plans for me that go beyond what one can plan for ones self. The fact that God was able to bring true love in the form and method he has, the power in the series of events that have unfolded in my life, I believe in many things that seem so impossible to the everyday person.
So here I am, convincing myself that I am stepping out on faith, not because it is expected of me, but because, there are so many things that are in store for me, and who am I to stand in the way of my own blessings?
The devil would have me believe that I do not deserve the blessings that are, for lack of a better comparison, are my birth right. God had this plan for me long before I was ever born. And just knowing that alone, well, that makes this up and coming ulcer worth it.
Father, continue to guide my steps, ease my discomfort, and lighten my heart. The journey is long and hard, but I do not want to be coarse when I come out of it. Please allow me to grow and you have desired me to. I'm ready to be who you have desired for me to be.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
And it begins with an ending.....
Today is my last day at a job I've had for 4 years. How do I feel?
Excited! Duh! Although I have learned a great deal in my position with Wachovia, it is time for this career to take a leap of faith. I will miss the comfort, the consistency that was present. Even more so the comfortability. But it is that comfortability that has caused me to look forward.
Monday I will start with Wells Fargo. Although I'll be working Uptown for a while for training, my office will be in Plano, TX. That's right, I said it. I'M MOVING! This has been a long time coming though, if you were not already aware of my initial intentions.
Anyway, I'm nervous, a new job, new people, new places. As a military child, I guess I thrive off of what I'm calling a New Beginning. At the same time, I guess you can say I'm anxious because Lord knows I don't want to fall flat on my face in the coming days, weeks, months, etc. But I know I will, in usual "Jazlyn" form. I guess the real question is, how graceful can I be in the midst of it all?
I guess above it all, I feel accomplished. How can you not be excited about that? My excitement is driven by 5 things:
1. A New Job - The experience, the exposure, the sky is the limit it feels like.
2. A New Beginning - Yes I'll be far from my family I have spent the last 4 years getting so close to. But hopefully soon, this new beginning will be that of my own family as well.
3. Change in Focus - Not to say I was doing too much, but it is apparent that over the years I have engrossed myself in so many organizations and endeavors. I get to cut free and focus on myself. The first item on the agenda, the gym!
4. My Business - With all the new time on my hands, I will finally be able to finish my business plan and focus on my business. Business actually has been booming lately, so I need to make sure I'm fully prepared for the next rush (Christmas).
5. Me - God has been telling me all that he expects of me. I feel like I may have disappointed him, but some how I know that my falters were expected of me. As I would like to think God puts it, "Your stumbles wake you up. You've become too comfortable in this walk, you're losing your touch. Let's change it up a bit." I like to think God continues to challenge me as a coach challenges his players. You're accomplished a and b, now lets look at c and d. No room for complacency of course.
So with the ending to this life here in Charlotte, I look forward to my new beginning in hopes that it will be just as exciting as the old life was....
Excited! Duh! Although I have learned a great deal in my position with Wachovia, it is time for this career to take a leap of faith. I will miss the comfort, the consistency that was present. Even more so the comfortability. But it is that comfortability that has caused me to look forward.
Monday I will start with Wells Fargo. Although I'll be working Uptown for a while for training, my office will be in Plano, TX. That's right, I said it. I'M MOVING! This has been a long time coming though, if you were not already aware of my initial intentions.
Anyway, I'm nervous, a new job, new people, new places. As a military child, I guess I thrive off of what I'm calling a New Beginning. At the same time, I guess you can say I'm anxious because Lord knows I don't want to fall flat on my face in the coming days, weeks, months, etc. But I know I will, in usual "Jazlyn" form. I guess the real question is, how graceful can I be in the midst of it all?
I guess above it all, I feel accomplished. How can you not be excited about that? My excitement is driven by 5 things:
1. A New Job - The experience, the exposure, the sky is the limit it feels like.
2. A New Beginning - Yes I'll be far from my family I have spent the last 4 years getting so close to. But hopefully soon, this new beginning will be that of my own family as well.
3. Change in Focus - Not to say I was doing too much, but it is apparent that over the years I have engrossed myself in so many organizations and endeavors. I get to cut free and focus on myself. The first item on the agenda, the gym!
4. My Business - With all the new time on my hands, I will finally be able to finish my business plan and focus on my business. Business actually has been booming lately, so I need to make sure I'm fully prepared for the next rush (Christmas).
5. Me - God has been telling me all that he expects of me. I feel like I may have disappointed him, but some how I know that my falters were expected of me. As I would like to think God puts it, "Your stumbles wake you up. You've become too comfortable in this walk, you're losing your touch. Let's change it up a bit." I like to think God continues to challenge me as a coach challenges his players. You're accomplished a and b, now lets look at c and d. No room for complacency of course.
So with the ending to this life here in Charlotte, I look forward to my new beginning in hopes that it will be just as exciting as the old life was....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
There is more to life than getting married...
Today is Mother's Day (Shout out to all the mama's, sistas, aunts, God Mom's, and church mom's out there). As it is customary, the eldest women in my family's home church acknowledged the oldest female members, aka the Church Moms. No, I didn't attend the service. (my grandmother is old and doesn't go out.) Anyway, I stopped by my Aunt's house after service to say Happy Mother's Day and what do I get?
"Jazlyn, I'm over 90. When are you going to get married? I want to see you married before I die." Really? Not saying I'll never get married, but its not up to me and my timing. "Aunt Mae, there are more important things in life than getting married. All the people I know who are miserable are married. What about my career and my accomplishments thus far? They would have never taken place had I already gotten married. There are more important things than getting married." That last statement was like Japanese to her.
So I pose the question, really, is getting married everything?
"Jazlyn, I'm over 90. When are you going to get married? I want to see you married before I die." Really? Not saying I'll never get married, but its not up to me and my timing. "Aunt Mae, there are more important things in life than getting married. All the people I know who are miserable are married. What about my career and my accomplishments thus far? They would have never taken place had I already gotten married. There are more important things than getting married." That last statement was like Japanese to her.
So I pose the question, really, is getting married everything?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
So They Think I'm Crazy
So, lately, I've been told a lot that I'm crazy for the decisions that I've made, especially in the last year. So let me run down the line and see if I agree... lol.
Lets see if I can put it in perspective for everyone....
Your most favorite football team of all time has been struggling for a few years. Though you may not be up to date on each team mate's stats, you know when they are having a good year and a bad year. But your support never waivers. Then one year, you feel it in your bones.... This could be the year we go to the super bowl! You're killing the other teams during the season, shutting down every one else's offenses, weakening their defense, just playing the game like they invented it. Then, after they win their conference title, they send you tickets to the super bowl.... would you say no?!?! I think not....
I bet most of you are looking at me like, Jazz, really? A football analogy? If you love your sports like some people do, then yes, you would understand.
Most of my life I have always felt out of place. I have never really felt completely comfortable anywhere, not even among my own family. Not to say anything negative about my family, I love them dearly. It just always felt like someone was pointing out my differences, why I was not like everyone else around me. I've spent a majority of my life insecure, for one reason or another. My adult life honestly has been full of misguided attempts to hide these insecurities and make myself fit in here or there. Do you know what happens to a square peg when you try to force it into a circle hole? You damage the edges, eventually, wearing away at the very essence of what makes a square a square.....
Well, he is my square hole. Need I say more? I feel a sense of peace around him. The layers of insecurity blankets just fall off. The smile rarely ceases. I'm filled with hope and energy and excitement.
"He's just a man, Jazz." Yes, he is A man, but he is THE man that I dreamed about. I'm totally not lying about that. I remember the first time he entranced me, I doubt he even noticed I was around. I was 14 years old... 13 years later, I'm still very much entranced when he is around. If you didn't know us, you probably would think that I had a mental disability because really, who stares at people like that? But I digress.
He's firm in his beliefs, but is open to new experiences. He is guarded from misdirection, but sometimes gets lost on purpose, for the fun of it of course. But its the gentleness that I dare not speak on for fear of him thinking I've "outed" him. He's a manly man and a gentleman. A handyman and a corporate thinker. A partier and a family man. But I think above all else, he's an answer to so many prayers.
You know, you have a list of things you think you want in life. As you go through and experience life, that list changes from what you think you want, to what you know you need. God knew that my needs were somewhat special and that someone special had to be tailored to me to work with me. Even more so, I think that I've learned that my misplacement everywhere else helped prepare me for the role I will play in his life. I may have been "different" to everyone else, but could it just be my differences were what he dreamed of? I like to think so.
But I digress. In 2008 he offered to move here. I said no. That was my decision. I do not regret it. It was needed for both of us. But the opportunity to be with him presented itself again. How many chances in one lifetime does God give you? So I willingly offered up to make the move. Though I did not know how, I knew I wanted to do it.
The past 8 months, it has been hard on us. On me in particular. Dealing with the ridicule of others. "Why are you following a man to Texas?" Dealing with his doubts, "I thought you said you wanted to move, what's taking so long." Even more so, dealing with the conflict within myself, not on moving, but on making sure I didn't do something too drastic without contemplating the daily needs of a life, my life, our life. I may have taken too long for him, in my planning and my calculating. I may have gone too quickly according to my family and friends. But in the end... it just feels right.
I don't know what our future holds for us. I like to think only positive thoughts, because the negative ones are the devil trying to take away this blessing God has given me, given us. How many people can say that they had a second and third chance with their childhood sweetheart? That one right there, that one means so much more in my eyes. Its the love that was there before the world made it impure. Its the love that allowed you to understand that strong bond that really does exist between human beings. Its the love that sets the precedence that no one can ever really live up to.
I did everything right. I did my research, I got the job, I limited the amount of stress that it puts on everyone involved. So have I gone crazy.... I think not. One day, I like to think, our children will ask me as I asked his Mother when I was young, "How did you know dad was the one?" I don't want to have to make up a story. I don't want to have to shatter the dreams that true love only exists in fairy tales. I can answer honestly and truthfully and let them know that true love exists, can survive 3 lifetimes, 2 continents, and 1 war.
So now I ask you, do you really think I'm crazy?
Lets see if I can put it in perspective for everyone....
Your most favorite football team of all time has been struggling for a few years. Though you may not be up to date on each team mate's stats, you know when they are having a good year and a bad year. But your support never waivers. Then one year, you feel it in your bones.... This could be the year we go to the super bowl! You're killing the other teams during the season, shutting down every one else's offenses, weakening their defense, just playing the game like they invented it. Then, after they win their conference title, they send you tickets to the super bowl.... would you say no?!?! I think not....
I bet most of you are looking at me like, Jazz, really? A football analogy? If you love your sports like some people do, then yes, you would understand.
Most of my life I have always felt out of place. I have never really felt completely comfortable anywhere, not even among my own family. Not to say anything negative about my family, I love them dearly. It just always felt like someone was pointing out my differences, why I was not like everyone else around me. I've spent a majority of my life insecure, for one reason or another. My adult life honestly has been full of misguided attempts to hide these insecurities and make myself fit in here or there. Do you know what happens to a square peg when you try to force it into a circle hole? You damage the edges, eventually, wearing away at the very essence of what makes a square a square.....
Well, he is my square hole. Need I say more? I feel a sense of peace around him. The layers of insecurity blankets just fall off. The smile rarely ceases. I'm filled with hope and energy and excitement.
"He's just a man, Jazz." Yes, he is A man, but he is THE man that I dreamed about. I'm totally not lying about that. I remember the first time he entranced me, I doubt he even noticed I was around. I was 14 years old... 13 years later, I'm still very much entranced when he is around. If you didn't know us, you probably would think that I had a mental disability because really, who stares at people like that? But I digress.
He's firm in his beliefs, but is open to new experiences. He is guarded from misdirection, but sometimes gets lost on purpose, for the fun of it of course. But its the gentleness that I dare not speak on for fear of him thinking I've "outed" him. He's a manly man and a gentleman. A handyman and a corporate thinker. A partier and a family man. But I think above all else, he's an answer to so many prayers.
You know, you have a list of things you think you want in life. As you go through and experience life, that list changes from what you think you want, to what you know you need. God knew that my needs were somewhat special and that someone special had to be tailored to me to work with me. Even more so, I think that I've learned that my misplacement everywhere else helped prepare me for the role I will play in his life. I may have been "different" to everyone else, but could it just be my differences were what he dreamed of? I like to think so.
But I digress. In 2008 he offered to move here. I said no. That was my decision. I do not regret it. It was needed for both of us. But the opportunity to be with him presented itself again. How many chances in one lifetime does God give you? So I willingly offered up to make the move. Though I did not know how, I knew I wanted to do it.
The past 8 months, it has been hard on us. On me in particular. Dealing with the ridicule of others. "Why are you following a man to Texas?" Dealing with his doubts, "I thought you said you wanted to move, what's taking so long." Even more so, dealing with the conflict within myself, not on moving, but on making sure I didn't do something too drastic without contemplating the daily needs of a life, my life, our life. I may have taken too long for him, in my planning and my calculating. I may have gone too quickly according to my family and friends. But in the end... it just feels right.
I don't know what our future holds for us. I like to think only positive thoughts, because the negative ones are the devil trying to take away this blessing God has given me, given us. How many people can say that they had a second and third chance with their childhood sweetheart? That one right there, that one means so much more in my eyes. Its the love that was there before the world made it impure. Its the love that allowed you to understand that strong bond that really does exist between human beings. Its the love that sets the precedence that no one can ever really live up to.
I did everything right. I did my research, I got the job, I limited the amount of stress that it puts on everyone involved. So have I gone crazy.... I think not. One day, I like to think, our children will ask me as I asked his Mother when I was young, "How did you know dad was the one?" I don't want to have to make up a story. I don't want to have to shatter the dreams that true love only exists in fairy tales. I can answer honestly and truthfully and let them know that true love exists, can survive 3 lifetimes, 2 continents, and 1 war.
So now I ask you, do you really think I'm crazy?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mobile Post for the Day.... Inspiration?
What inspires you?
I know there are so many people, events, ideas that influence our daily lives. But when it comes down to it, what inspires you?
What drives you to reach for more, to do better, to accomplish?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Blessing or a Curse?
I love my Lord and the many gifts that he gives his children. So I am posing these questions to everyone,
"When does your gift become more of a burden to you than a blessing to others?"
"Are you wasting your gift if you believe it to be a burden?"
"Is it a sin to want to "take a time out" from what is expected of you?"
Lately, I've found myself asking these questions more often than I ever thought I would. I find myself, at times, wishing that God had given me a different gift that didn't require so much. I feel that I can empathize with those who have so much that it feels like a weight to carry it around; a burden onto themselves more than a blessing onto others. Lately, I've felt that my gift has been more of a hindrance to my own personal growth and development.
But before I run away with my own frustration, I guess it is key for me to pinpoint what my gift is supposed to be. Although I believe God has given me many gifts over the years, it is apparent that my primary one is the gift of Care Giving. I was born, as my God Mother put it, like I've been here before. As the only child of a single parent, I had an early sense of responsibility and persistence. My God Mother has also noted that "she [me] raised her mom." Over time, this ideal has been a source of pride and sorrow in my life. Though my mother states that I have been the best thing that she has done, I can't help but feel guilty for wishing that it wasn't just always me at all times.
The frustration has been mounting for years. I guess the year of 2010 is Jazz's "Breaking Year." I've always been the first to volunteer to help with my family, with my community, and with my friends. But somewhere between then and now, the desire and fire to help and provided as become more of a nag and obligation to do what is expected of me. I wonder if anyone ever thinks about how heavy the weight of something is on someone else's shoulders when you turn their gift into a requirement?
But don't get me wrong, I blame no one for my current state of mind. I guess I'm just at a point where I need to sink or swim. So, I have decided to take a step back. I asked God the other day, "What is wrong with me?" I ask him every day to shine light on this concern of mine. I don't want this frustration to turn into resentment; I fight the idea of that being inevitable every moment this frustration builds in my heart.
So here I am. Taking a step back from the requirements the world has for me. It may be selfish, but it is needed. As so many tell me repeatedly, "Jazz, you need time for yourself." I always have time for myself but I understand now that I need to be constructive during this time for me, and not others. My heart was made to share the love it produces in the many ways I have found over the years. But when I look in the mirror most days, I wonder why I don't have any left for myself.
- HsFavor
1 Corinthians 12:1-11 (Amplified Bible)
1NOW ABOUT the spiritual gifts (the special endowments of supernatural energy), brethren, I do not want you to be misinformed. 2You know that when you were heathen, you were led off after idols that could not speak [habitually] as impulse directed and whenever the occasion might arise. 3Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking under the power and influence of the [Holy] Spirit of God can [ever] say, Jesus be cursed! And no one can [really] say, Jesus is [my] Lord, except by and under the power and influence of the Holy Spirit. 4Now there are distinctive varieties and distributions of endowments (gifts, extraordinary powers distinguishing certain Christians, due to the power of divine grace operating in their souls by the Holy Spirit) and they vary, but the [Holy] Spirit remains the same. 5And there are distinctive varieties of service and ministration, but it is the same Lord [Who is served]. 6And there are distinctive varieties of operation [of working to accomplish things], but it is the same God Who inspires and energizes them all in all. 7But to each one is given the manifestation of the [Holy] Spirit [the evidence, the spiritual illumination of the Spirit] for good and profit. 8To one is given in and through the [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; 9To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; 10To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues. 11All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.
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