So They Think I'm Crazy

So, lately, I've been told a lot that I'm crazy for the decisions that I've made, especially in the last year. So let me run down the line and see if I agree... lol.

Lets see if I can put it in perspective for everyone....
Your most favorite football team of all time has been struggling for a few years. Though you may not be up to date on each team mate's stats, you know when they are having a good year and a bad year. But your support never waivers. Then one year, you feel it in your bones.... This could be the year we go to the super bowl! You're killing the other teams during the season, shutting down every one else's offenses, weakening their defense, just playing the game like they invented it. Then, after they win their conference title, they send you tickets to the super bowl.... would you say no?!?! I think not....

I bet most of you are looking at me like, Jazz, really? A football analogy? If you love your sports like some people do, then yes, you would understand.

Most of my life I have always felt out of place. I have never really felt completely comfortable anywhere, not even among my own family. Not to say anything negative about my family, I love them dearly. It just always felt like someone was pointing out my differences, why I was not like everyone else around me. I've spent a majority of my life insecure, for one reason or another. My adult life honestly has been full of misguided attempts to hide these insecurities and make myself fit in here or there. Do you know what happens to a square peg when you try to force it into a circle hole? You damage the edges, eventually, wearing away at the very essence of what makes a square a square.....

Well, he is my square hole. Need I say more? I feel a sense of peace around him. The layers of insecurity blankets just fall off. The smile rarely ceases. I'm filled with hope and energy and excitement.

"He's just a man, Jazz." Yes, he is A man, but he is THE man that I dreamed about. I'm totally not lying about that. I remember the first time he entranced me, I doubt he even noticed I was around. I was 14 years old... 13 years later, I'm still very much entranced when he is around. If you didn't know us, you probably would think that I had a mental disability because really, who stares at people like that? But I digress.

He's firm in his beliefs, but is open to new experiences. He is guarded from misdirection, but sometimes gets lost on purpose, for the fun of it of course. But its the gentleness that I dare not speak on for fear of him thinking I've "outed" him. He's a manly man and a gentleman. A handyman and a corporate thinker. A partier and a family man. But I think above all else, he's an answer to so many prayers.

You know, you have a list of things you think you want in life. As you go through and experience life, that list changes from what you think you want, to what you know you need. God knew that my needs were somewhat special and that someone special had to be tailored to me to work with me. Even more so, I think that I've learned that my misplacement everywhere else helped prepare me for the role I will play in his life. I may have been "different" to everyone else, but could it just be my differences were what he dreamed of? I like to think so.

But I digress. In 2008 he offered to move here. I said no. That was my decision. I do not regret it. It was needed for both of us. But the opportunity to be with him presented itself again. How many chances in one lifetime does God give you? So I willingly offered up to make the move. Though I did not know how, I knew I wanted to do it.

The past 8 months, it has been hard on us. On me in particular. Dealing with the ridicule of others. "Why are you following a man to Texas?" Dealing with his doubts, "I thought you said you wanted to move, what's taking so long." Even more so, dealing with the conflict within myself, not on moving, but on making sure I didn't do something too drastic without contemplating the daily needs of a life, my life, our life. I may have taken too long for him, in my planning and my calculating. I may have gone too quickly according to my family and friends. But in the end... it just feels right.

I don't know what our future holds for us. I like to think only positive thoughts, because the negative ones are the devil trying to take away this blessing God has given me, given us. How many people can say that they had a second and third chance with their childhood sweetheart? That one right there, that one means so much more in my eyes. Its the love that was there before the world made it impure. Its the love that allowed you to understand that strong bond that really does exist between human beings. Its the love that sets the precedence that no one can ever really live up to.

I did everything right. I did my research, I got the job, I limited the amount of stress that it puts on everyone involved. So have I gone crazy.... I think not. One day, I like to think, our children will ask me as I asked his Mother when I was young, "How did you know dad was the one?" I don't want to have to make up a story. I don't want to have to shatter the dreams that true love only exists in fairy tales. I can answer honestly and truthfully and let them know that true love exists, can survive 3 lifetimes, 2 continents, and 1 war.

So now I ask you, do you really think I'm crazy?