Blessing or a Curse?

I love my Lord and the many gifts that he gives his children.  So I am posing these questions to everyone, 

"When does your gift become more of a burden to you than a blessing to others?"  

"Are you wasting your gift if you believe it to be a burden?"  

"Is it a sin to want to "take a time out" from what is expected of you?"

Lately, I've found myself asking these questions more often than I ever thought I would.  I find myself, at times, wishing that God had given me a different gift that didn't require so much.  I feel that I can empathize with those who have so much that it feels like a weight to carry it around; a burden onto themselves more than a blessing onto others.  Lately, I've felt that my gift has been more of a hindrance to my own personal growth and development.

But before I run away with my own frustration, I guess it is key for me to pinpoint what my gift is supposed to be.  Although I believe God has given me many gifts over the years, it is apparent that my primary one is the gift of Care Giving.  I was born, as my God Mother put it, like I've been here before.  As the only child of a single parent, I had an early sense of responsibility and persistence.  My God Mother has also noted that "she [me] raised her mom."  Over time, this ideal has been a source of pride and sorrow in my life.  Though my mother states that I have been the best thing that she has done, I can't help but feel guilty for wishing that it wasn't just always me at all times.

The frustration has been mounting for years.  I guess the year of 2010 is Jazz's "Breaking Year."  I've always been the first to volunteer to help with my family, with my community, and with my friends.  But somewhere between then and now, the desire and fire to help and provided as become more of a nag and obligation to do what is expected of me.  I wonder if anyone ever thinks about how heavy the weight of something is on someone else's shoulders when you turn their gift into a requirement?  

But don't get me wrong, I blame no one for my current state of mind.  I guess I'm just at a point where I need to sink or swim.  So, I have decided to take a step back.  I asked God the other day, "What is wrong with me?"  I ask him every day to shine light on this concern of mine.  I don't want this frustration to turn into resentment; I fight the idea of that being inevitable every moment this frustration builds in my heart.

So here I am.  Taking a step back from the requirements the world has for me.  It may be selfish, but it is needed.  As so many tell me repeatedly, "Jazz, you need time for yourself."  I always have time for myself but I understand now that I need to be constructive during this time for me, and not others.  My heart was made to share the love it produces in the many ways I have found over the years.  But when I look in the mirror most days, I wonder why I don't have any left for myself.

- HsFavor

1 Corinthians 12:1-11 (Amplified Bible)

¹NOW ABOUT the spiritual gifts (the special endowments of supernatural energy), brethren, I do not want you to be misinformed.  ²You know that when you were heathen, you were led off after idols that could not speak [habitually] as impulse directed and whenever the occasion might arise.  ³Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking under the power and influence of the [Holy] Spirit of God can [ever] say, Jesus be cursed! And no one can [really] say, Jesus is [my] Lord, except by and under the power and influence of the Holy Spirit.  ⁴Now there are distinctive varieties and distributions of endowments (gifts, extraordinary powers distinguishing certain Christians, due to the power of divine grace operating in their souls by the Holy Spirit) and they vary, but the [Holy] Spirit remains the same.  ⁵And there are distinctive varieties of service and ministration, but it is the same Lord [Who is served].  ⁶And there are distinctive varieties of operation [of working to accomplish things], but it is the same God Who inspires and energizes them all in all.  ⁷But to each one is given the manifestation of the [Holy] Spirit [the evidence, the spiritual illumination of the Spirit] for good and profit.  ⁸To one is given in and through the [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; ⁹To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; ¹⁰To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues.  ¹¹All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.