I have learned today that i have a long way to go...

Life is but a journey, we all know our destination, its how we get there that matters.  I say this all the time.  On this journey, you run into people and events that cause you to adapt, alter, or remain the same.  I heard a statement of "Some say 'its times like this that make character' but its really times like this that shows character."  Love it.

Well, I'm looking at my character and trying to determine what is me, what makes up me, and what drives me.  Today, I realized, despite how much I've accomplished, I still have a long way to go.

Take my relationship for example.  It is obvious that we both have learning to do, in regards to learning each other and how to communicate with each other.  A labor of love no doubt, but yet and still, work.

 In regards to myself, even after all the searching in the world, I find myself looking for the next chapter in my life, wondering when I realize that I am yet in the middle of a new adventure.  Toying with the idea of culinary school, yet again.  GMAT is inevitable, and of course the law school ideal that has come and gone year after year.  Where I will go next?  Not sure....

In regards to my family.  I spent most of my life growing up without them, and I've spent the last 4 or 5 years around them.  So what now?  Travel back and forth?  I know this sounds like a very minute thing for me to be thinking of because you probably have seen most of your family all the time growing up.  I can't relay the confusion into words...

Then there is Daddy.  Trying to figure out which weekend to come see him, and then scared to see him at the same time.  Had a bit of a run in with him at the last visit, which you know, I'm not holding against him.  But since I have an issue with confrontation, I don't know, I'm nervous about seeing him.

Lastly there is Mama.  She just canceled her plans to come see me.  I'm a wee bit disappointed, but you know, it happens.  So why am I disappointed?  Hmm....

So many questions in my mind, why on earth don't I know the answers?  Probably because after all that I have been through... I still have a long way to go....

Me: Not defined, but theorized

A theory is a contemplation or a speculation.  To break it down even more, its merely a guess.  So I like tp think that my life, thus far and more than likely in the future, is but a set of theories.  What I think is right, what I think is wrong, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I am expected to do....

See, as a spiritual person, I believe God has a set out plan for every one of us.  We go through our life trying to navigate that plan, either on our own or with His help, and we eventually come to a point where we finally "get it" or we just get lost on the journey there.  So I look at the path God has already brought me.  Random twists and turns, that honestly, I never thought I would be.  For Example:

I had a conversation with my x just yesterday.  Now, I have had my share of boyfriends, but in all retrospect, I've only really had ONE BIG relationship other than Devon and it was with the Gantalon.  We spoke on the phone catching up and I made a statement that caught me off guard:  "Gantalon, do you know that if I had not known Devon, I probably would have never gone out with you.  Yep, I never would have given  you a chance." "What?  Why is that?"  "Simple, its scary to say, but yall think the same, you have the same approach to life.  I only just recently realized that.  But see, I knew Devon first, and back then I thought he was slightly off his rocker.  But see, once I had met you, I realized 'Well, apparently there are more than 1 person in the world that thinks this way and since the first one wasn't so bad, this one shouldn't be either.'"  So of course he took it SO the wrong way.  "So you're saying you dated me because I reminded you of someone else?"  "No numb nuts!"  He did say I use to call him names all the time, but I didn't say that. "You have to understand that someone before you laid the ground work that allowed you to play the role that you played in my life.  Just like you laid the ground work for Devon in my life.  Devon laid the ground work for you, which basically was Have an Open Mind.  You laid the ground work for Devon by helping me realize what it truly was I wanted in a relationship and accept the hard work that comes with it."

I was proud of the analogy that I made.  Even more so, it got me thinking.  Every person, every place, every event has led to this moment right here.  People ask how I got back to Texas, but honestly, my question is, what took me so long?  I've always wanted to come back home.  I just never had the guts, or motivation, to do something about it.  Yes I got this awesome new job and yes, I got Devon.  But even more so, I am in a place where I literally can do what it is that I've always wanted to do with my life.  I've been thinking about taking the GMAT.  I've been thinking about Culinary School.  I've been thinking about my future and the many different directions it could go.  I can't wait to see where I am in 6 months....

Freaking Myself Out

So I found this website that talks all about PCOS (Polycystic Ovaries).

http://www.pcosupport.org/

So much for trying to be informed.  I think I just had an anxiety attack.  This website states that I have a high risk of miscarrying, premature birth, and death during birth.... I'm sorry, but that is SO NOT COMFORTING.  I know I shouldn't be freaking out, but I'M FREAKING OUT!

They have discussion boards too.  Oh Father in Heaven, why did I read the discussion boards.  They are talking about different treatments to get pregnant and treatments they have to have after miscarriages, which are apparently ridiculously common, and what tests to get at what time of the month to determine what is out of whack that week.  I'm not mentally ready for this!!!! [pause while I wait for SOMEONE to slap some sense into me...still waiting...]

Yep, I'm definitely having a panic attack....

Oh Dear God, please give me peace onto today.  Please bring peace back into my life.  My nerves are on edge, and it doesn't help that this pain is keeping me in bed.  I'm afraid to admit that I am depressed at this point.  I want to go and get more blood work done, but I know you are telling me to be patient.  I want to run crying, but I know that you have placed me here in my holding chamber to strengthen me on my own.  Yet and still, I am scared.  Please come into this vessel Lord.  I wish so much to feel your presence.  I know the enemy is already defeated.  I know that you have deemed me a conqueror.  Right now Father, I need help not for my unbelief, but for my belief.  In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.

Motivation Needed; Accepting Applications

I'm done being fat.  I want to be skinny too darn it.  So I'm looking for motivation!  Any kind of activity suggestions, personal trainer recommendations, or work out buddy applications are greatly appreciated.  If you're not serious, DON'T TALK TO ME.

New Medical Condition: New News, Old Story

Friday I was spending a glorious day with my Devon.  He's such a great man.  He enjoys life and he enjoys enjoying life with me (like how I put that?).  I've never seen him so happy just to have me so close.  Even though I spent most of Thursday and Friday cleaning, you know, it doesn't bother me.  I'm cleaning out the oven while he mows the lawn.  Its like I would picture it if I could you know.

But the bliss was quickly disrupted by me and my "brokenness" (for lack of a better term).  In the midst of the giggles and smiles, I fall to the ground in complete agony.  Almost out of nowhere.  I fall to the ground screaming and poor Devon, he looked so scared.  Like a horrible nightmare you know.  He picks me up and puts me on the couch, on the side I'm not grabbing, "What do I do?  What do you want me to do?"  I can't respond, throwing my face into the couch cushions, still screaming in agony.  I'm surprised he was able to keep his cool.  I probably would have called the fire department or something.  For him to feel so helpless with me in such a state, I can't imagine how that felt for him.

I would say 30 minutes passed.  Although the pain had not subsided completely, I was able to get words out.  I asked him to get my phone and my wallet.  The phone had the number to my OBGYN in Charlotte, the wallet had my medical card.  As he looked for medical providers in the area, I called my Doctor who has completely turned my medical condition around in a year and a half.  I didn't know what else to do.  The nurse for my doctor greets me as if I was calling any other day, but when she heard the pain in my voice, I kind of heard panic in her voice.  Yeah, because that is what I need to hear in this traumatic moment you know.  "Jazz, are you in Texas with your boyfriend?"  Yes, I can't get to you but I don't know what to do.  Well because there was no blood, the concern was not immediate but it was enough for her to say to see a doctor ASAP.

Over the next 3 days the pain subsided but the soreness was still there.  I never slept on my left side to begin with but bending over and getting up seemed to be such a difficult thing to do.  So I go to this new doctor I find in the listing for my medical plan.  I drive up and it says OBGYN and Fertility Office.  What? I don't want to go to a Fertility Office, I want to run from it!  But I guess it was a blessing in disguise that this doctor was a fertility expert, otherwise the issue may never have been found.

After discussing my medical history and what happened on Friday, he had several theories of what it could be, but wanted to get an ultrasound to be sure.  So the diagnosis:

1. My original concern was that my Mirena (IUD) had pierced my uterian wall.  Well, the Mirena is where is should be and is not disrupting anything.  What a relief that is.  I started my periods so early and for as long as I can remember, they've been hell.  I could go 3 months without a period and when it came on, boy was it painful.  To add to it, my anemia and iron deficiency didn't help the situation. So needless to say, I was happy when I got the Mirena.  I really feel like I am on Cloud 9 with this thing outside of the one off situations.  Even though taking it out was on my mind, I really don't want to unless absolutely necessary.
2. He was more concerned about my ovaries and rightfully so.  I had my first ultrasound today and boy was that creepy.  My left ovary, not so bad.  It had several little cysts on it, but nothing "of great concern" according to the Doctor.  The right one, however, is twice the size it should be.  Fabulous.  I thought I was always an overachiever... =/  That sucker had more cysts than he expected apparently.  Ima need Dr. Duncan to work on his poker face!  
3. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovaries, which apparently I've had my whole life.
4. The overall concern with this condition is that it will cause me to have great difficulties to have children, if I can at all.
5. The older I get the harder it will be for me to have kids, so my window closes, literally at 30/32.  

You know my greatest concern is, "how do I tell Devon?"  Knowing how much he wants children and that I may not be the best candidate for producing little Wiles, I just found it amazing that was my first reaction.  But I set it in my mind, "I'm not going to jump and have kids because this doctor says, once again, that me having kids will be really difficult, if not completely impossible.  I'm still going to wait and plan like I originally wanted to.  I just know that my window is shorter and that realistically, I can't wait until I'm 35.  I got it, but I have to stay mindful that I can't rush it either.

I guess now I'm staying prayerful and faithful that God's Will is still the last word and that his plan is perfect and absolute and that if it is in his will for me to reproduce, than I will.  Right now, outside of the pain that I'm in, I think I'm still in shock.  That sonogram was a freaky thing to see I tell you.  Asking God to give me a stable mindset so that I can go into work tomorrow and still kick things out accordingly.  So keep me in your prayers.

Settling In

So I've been in Texas for a week now.  Got into the apartment.... somewhat disappointed but doable.  Love the job, as it hasn't changed of course.  I got an office now!  Door, windows (oh yeah I got 2) and mahogany wood furniture.  Freakin Awesome if I do say so myself. 

Just adapting is taking most of my energy nowadays.  Not really much of anything else to do.  I would like to focus on the business, but unfortunately, I need to find new suppliers.  I found a few cute little shops just in my riding around my job, but I know I'll be up and running soon.

Just tired now from a day of, for lack of a better term, medical drama.... Take that Hawthorne.  Post regarding it will come shortly.

But special shots go out to Niki and Sway Sway for making that trek with me.  Cross country wasn't so bad, but I promise you, Arkansas will not have us visiting again any time soon.  Tennessee however, is a very beautiful state.  We will definitely do an outdoor vacation there in the future.