My Grandmother has Alzheimers. For those who have not had to go through seeing a family member fade, consider yourself blessed. As the only grandchild and her beloved "Love Bug," for her to not recognize me is short of heartbreaking.
But I am never one to sit around and do nothing. So, this year will be my first year to participate in the Alzheimer Associations' Memory Walk! Yes, I'll be walking in the Texas heat, 3 miles, for my grandmother. In my mind, I feel like it might not be enough, but that's ok.
So Please, go to my website and help support our cause. http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/forfuturememories
My team's name is Millie's Memories. Although my Grandmother never goes by her first name, I felt like it represented all of those Grandmothers out there. I'm looking for team mates who have the same passion to help save their Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, etc's memories not just for themselves, but for the future generations. So if you have nothing else to do on October 16th, COME OUT AND WALK WITH US!
http://memorywalk.kintera.org/austin10/millies_memories
Be on the look out for more information regarding this cause.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Winding Down
This time tomorrow, I will be on the road to Texas. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm either so discontent with the state of everything now, I'm just ready to have a life again, or, I'm in denial about how much I'll miss everything. My guess is that I'm somewhere in between. But I'm definitely ready for my own life again. Yes I love my dear friends who have allowed me to crash on their couches and spare beds these last few weeks. I've felt like a college drop out for a little bit. But I'm ready for my own life again. I'm ready to have my own bed, cook in my own kitchen, and cuddle with The Sexiest Man Alive. Lol, in my head that last one had a commentator who's voice was traveling through both space and time. (Blame it on the ridiculous hour).
Why am I up so early? I was trying to make a surprise birthday cake for my dearest friend for the past 4 years. Yeah, what kind of friend am I that I leave her on her birthday? Geez, I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I digress. I'm ready to make set plans again! For a solid year, I have not made any serious plans or committments, waiting for the moment when I have to move. NOW I CAN. Devon wants to go camping, I'm planning on training for a walk and marathon (loose this I'm getting old weight) and of course, mama is going to want to make her visits. But plans are plans.... so be on the look out! 2010 is the year of stepping out of faith. 2011 is going to be the year of great things.
Why am I up so early? I was trying to make a surprise birthday cake for my dearest friend for the past 4 years. Yeah, what kind of friend am I that I leave her on her birthday? Geez, I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I digress. I'm ready to make set plans again! For a solid year, I have not made any serious plans or committments, waiting for the moment when I have to move. NOW I CAN. Devon wants to go camping, I'm planning on training for a walk and marathon (loose this I'm getting old weight) and of course, mama is going to want to make her visits. But plans are plans.... so be on the look out! 2010 is the year of stepping out of faith. 2011 is going to be the year of great things.
Monday, July 26, 2010
People, Adjust Your Mindset!!!
It is proven that your mindset effects the direction of your life, how you treat people, and how people treat you. So when someone points out that you need to watch it, don't get mad, step back and wonder why they feel they need to tell you that. Seriously. I know several people who do nothing but complain. NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN. Everytime I see them, the first thing out of their mouth is a complaint. Can a sister get a "Good Afternoon?"
Complainers, Ney-Sayers, and Pessimists:
You are a negative person in the lives of others. You have "friends" who keep you at an arms length, because quite frankly, your attitude is extremely draining. Why should someone have to overextend their energy to be your friend? Why is it that you don't seem to keep too many friends around for too long? Have you ever wondered why? Sadly, you have lost friends, like myself, because any good news or hope that they choose to share with you, you feel the need to be negative at every turn. Constructive critisim is needed among friends, but if nothing you say is constructive, only destructive, it is to the friendship as well.
I'm not being mean when I ask you, "Can you say something positive?" You're proving my point when all you can say is, "It didn't rain today."
Mathematically speaking, ATTITUDE = 100% (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5). I don't think that was an accident. I think we all want to grown and develop, and I understand you wanting to be realistic about life. But don't allow that mindset to keep you from enjoying the moments and people in your life that help give you that hope and faith you need to have a positive outlook.
Complainers, Ney-Sayers, and Pessimists:
You are a negative person in the lives of others. You have "friends" who keep you at an arms length, because quite frankly, your attitude is extremely draining. Why should someone have to overextend their energy to be your friend? Why is it that you don't seem to keep too many friends around for too long? Have you ever wondered why? Sadly, you have lost friends, like myself, because any good news or hope that they choose to share with you, you feel the need to be negative at every turn. Constructive critisim is needed among friends, but if nothing you say is constructive, only destructive, it is to the friendship as well.
I'm not being mean when I ask you, "Can you say something positive?" You're proving my point when all you can say is, "It didn't rain today."
Mathematically speaking, ATTITUDE = 100% (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5). I don't think that was an accident. I think we all want to grown and develop, and I understand you wanting to be realistic about life. But don't allow that mindset to keep you from enjoying the moments and people in your life that help give you that hope and faith you need to have a positive outlook.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Great Disconnection
As a child growing up in the military, I was forced to move more often than most people do their whole lives. The sacrifice of not bearing roots was usually outweighed by being exposed to numerous countries and cultures. The greatest setback, of course, was my inability to hold onto friends. The process of doing that was just too hard and seemed to damaging. Think of being 13 years old, having your first boyfriend, having the best friends for the past 3 years, and being told you're moving in 30 days. At the time, Facebook and MySpace were not even thought of. Yes you can write once you have settled where ever you're going, but the truth is that it breaks your heart. First, the wave of, "I'm losing everything" washes over your thoughts. Typical teenage reaction I believe. Second, regret. Did you do everything you wanted to do with your friends? I think at the time, I hadn't even had my first kiss. The school dance was like a week away. I mean, wondering even if going was worth it. People think its just so easy to up and move like that. Not realizing the hurt and pain one endures.
As a result, as most military children do, I learned how to disconnect from people. Yes, that sounds cruel, but how else do you expect someone to adjust quickly to going to a new school, when they have 4 new schools in 3 years. Its just not that simple. Over the years, I believe it has become so engraved in my personality that I have to catch myself.
But now as an adult, who really has spawn roots and then has voluntarily decided to move, I'm not sure how to react. I want to disconnect as always, but it hurts just as much to do that than to hold on. I'm sure that as I am struggling with this coping mechanism that I have, my friends in turn are just as confused. So as I sit here trying to explain it to you in the best way I know how, I'm trying to figure out if it is understandable to the point that everyone around me will receive the epiphany I'm looking for.
I don't want to disconnect with my friends in Charlotte. But I don't know how else to adjust to this situation. Either way, I'm broken hearted.
As a result, as most military children do, I learned how to disconnect from people. Yes, that sounds cruel, but how else do you expect someone to adjust quickly to going to a new school, when they have 4 new schools in 3 years. Its just not that simple. Over the years, I believe it has become so engraved in my personality that I have to catch myself.
But now as an adult, who really has spawn roots and then has voluntarily decided to move, I'm not sure how to react. I want to disconnect as always, but it hurts just as much to do that than to hold on. I'm sure that as I am struggling with this coping mechanism that I have, my friends in turn are just as confused. So as I sit here trying to explain it to you in the best way I know how, I'm trying to figure out if it is understandable to the point that everyone around me will receive the epiphany I'm looking for.
I don't want to disconnect with my friends in Charlotte. But I don't know how else to adjust to this situation. Either way, I'm broken hearted.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
God watches over babies and fools....
My heart hearts to see the people in my life who are suffering. My heart breaks to see the people in my life who are suffering due to their own choices, knowing the consequences. Does that make them fools?
One too many times, people have come to me for advice, help, or just to be there in their time of need. But lately, some of those individuals, I have found, are right back in that same situation. Even worse, they have attempted to keep this information from reaching me. Is it due to shame or the fact that I would remind them of the words that they spoke to me, not too long ago. Regardless, it breaks my heart.
Your life and your decisions are in your hands. I can only be of help if you want it. I can take a hint when you don't want it. But in the mean time, am I suppose to sit by and just watch you suffer? That doesn't feel right. I can pray all I want to, but my heart still hurts...
You can lead a horse to water but.....
I can't beat myself up about your decisions. You're grown. But I will just cry in my prayers and hope I don't have to be a witness to your same pain once again.
One too many times, people have come to me for advice, help, or just to be there in their time of need. But lately, some of those individuals, I have found, are right back in that same situation. Even worse, they have attempted to keep this information from reaching me. Is it due to shame or the fact that I would remind them of the words that they spoke to me, not too long ago. Regardless, it breaks my heart.
Your life and your decisions are in your hands. I can only be of help if you want it. I can take a hint when you don't want it. But in the mean time, am I suppose to sit by and just watch you suffer? That doesn't feel right. I can pray all I want to, but my heart still hurts...
You can lead a horse to water but.....
I can't beat myself up about your decisions. You're grown. But I will just cry in my prayers and hope I don't have to be a witness to your same pain once again.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Romantic, and not even trying to be
So for the 4th, my Devon was romantic, and he wasn't even trying to be.
Mind you that we spent all day in the hot July Austin Sun unloading my life from the back of a uhaul into his 2 car garage (of which no vehicle can now fit....). Outside of exhausted from that manual labor and the fact that he had driven cross country in literally 24 hours, its hard to not understand the desire to just pass out on the couch and forgo the Independence Day Festivities. Talks of going downtown Austin to enjoy the fesitivies just seemed too optimistic.
But what did he do? He took the vegetable drawer out of the refridgerator, filled it with ice (instant cooler is what he referred to it as) put some beers, Honey Moon for me and Shiner for him, and salsa in it. Grabbed some chips, a blanket, and bug repelent and went in the back yard. Now, he had mentioned to me watching the fireworks from the roof of his house, but I honestly thought he was joking....
Trying to get over my own fears and thoughts of "on the roof of what?" he hoisted me up to roof over his back porch, which was a relatively flat surface. I was greeted with a pleasurably cool breeze, which was greatly appreciated after the work we put in for today. Realizing that for the first time in my life, I have willing placed myself to the will and mercy of gravity, I quickly clung to the shingles of the roof, hoping to not damage the home that he has not own for a year yet. Looking around, I realize that we had a pretty good view of the surrounding hill tops, but with all the full trees in the back yard, its pretty hard to see. I started to inch myself up slowly, quickly realizing that holding on to this blanket was my fastest way to be back on the ground. Next thing I know, my "spider man" leaps onto the roof and sprints to the peak of the roof, talking about "come on jazz!"
To the South, my left, you could see the Austin fireworks, probably lasted a good 45 minutes. To the North, my right, you could see the Round Rock fireworks, which obviously were closer, but not as extravagant. Over the horizon from the south to the north, every little town in the hill country of Texas, and some excited neighbors, had fireworks going into the late hours that night. The neighbors in the front yard of the cul de sac also had their own fireworks display going. 360 degrees of fireworks, back to back with my honey.
When most of the finales had come to a close, we slid back down to the roof over the porch and laid on the blanket. With his Android phone, he has an app for Google Sky, which shows the constellations in the sky, with the labels for easier recognition. Just hold it up in the direction you are looking and it becomes an instant observatory. Since the sky was slightly cloudy, it was a huge help. Ending the night on that note, he just wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to enjoy the holiday in a stress free environment, while not missing anything at the same time. Being romantic, and not even trying.....
Mind you that we spent all day in the hot July Austin Sun unloading my life from the back of a uhaul into his 2 car garage (of which no vehicle can now fit....). Outside of exhausted from that manual labor and the fact that he had driven cross country in literally 24 hours, its hard to not understand the desire to just pass out on the couch and forgo the Independence Day Festivities. Talks of going downtown Austin to enjoy the fesitivies just seemed too optimistic.
But what did he do? He took the vegetable drawer out of the refridgerator, filled it with ice (instant cooler is what he referred to it as) put some beers, Honey Moon for me and Shiner for him, and salsa in it. Grabbed some chips, a blanket, and bug repelent and went in the back yard. Now, he had mentioned to me watching the fireworks from the roof of his house, but I honestly thought he was joking....
Trying to get over my own fears and thoughts of "on the roof of what?" he hoisted me up to roof over his back porch, which was a relatively flat surface. I was greeted with a pleasurably cool breeze, which was greatly appreciated after the work we put in for today. Realizing that for the first time in my life, I have willing placed myself to the will and mercy of gravity, I quickly clung to the shingles of the roof, hoping to not damage the home that he has not own for a year yet. Looking around, I realize that we had a pretty good view of the surrounding hill tops, but with all the full trees in the back yard, its pretty hard to see. I started to inch myself up slowly, quickly realizing that holding on to this blanket was my fastest way to be back on the ground. Next thing I know, my "spider man" leaps onto the roof and sprints to the peak of the roof, talking about "come on jazz!"
To the South, my left, you could see the Austin fireworks, probably lasted a good 45 minutes. To the North, my right, you could see the Round Rock fireworks, which obviously were closer, but not as extravagant. Over the horizon from the south to the north, every little town in the hill country of Texas, and some excited neighbors, had fireworks going into the late hours that night. The neighbors in the front yard of the cul de sac also had their own fireworks display going. 360 degrees of fireworks, back to back with my honey.
When most of the finales had come to a close, we slid back down to the roof over the porch and laid on the blanket. With his Android phone, he has an app for Google Sky, which shows the constellations in the sky, with the labels for easier recognition. Just hold it up in the direction you are looking and it becomes an instant observatory. Since the sky was slightly cloudy, it was a huge help. Ending the night on that note, he just wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to enjoy the holiday in a stress free environment, while not missing anything at the same time. Being romantic, and not even trying.....
Enjoying Life.... the lack of....
Live every moment like its your last, live every day like your breaths were in short supply, carpe diem.... All of these sayings relay the same message, "Tomorrow is not promised" so you should enjoy every moment with that in mind.
Now it sounds simple enough. With the mentality that you may not wake up in the morning, you complain less, smile more, and realize that the little thing really don't mean anything. It really, despite the concept of immediate and undeniable doom, is quite optimistic.
So, for the past year, I have not done that. I think I may be selling myself short, but in all honestly, I really have just been going with the flow in regards to any and every thing. My focus has been to accomplish one or two things in my life within a certain time span, which I have. But in the mean time, my life has quite literally been on hold.
So now I find myself on the cusp between life G and life H and I look around and see how everyone's life seems to be just a wee bit more enjoyable than my own and it causes me to wonder, when was the last time I enjoyed my life? Despite the current state that I'm in and the transition that I'm in, it should not deny me the little moments in life that I am entitled to enjoy... so why am I not enjoying them? If anything, I'm a wee bit depressed that I'm not enjoying them, causing me to look for the most extraordinary events and circumstances to cause or get into just have some sense of "at least I'm not waiting around for the change to experience stuff." Yet still, I feel like I am lacking.
So what is next? Really Jazz.... What is next?
Now it sounds simple enough. With the mentality that you may not wake up in the morning, you complain less, smile more, and realize that the little thing really don't mean anything. It really, despite the concept of immediate and undeniable doom, is quite optimistic.
So, for the past year, I have not done that. I think I may be selling myself short, but in all honestly, I really have just been going with the flow in regards to any and every thing. My focus has been to accomplish one or two things in my life within a certain time span, which I have. But in the mean time, my life has quite literally been on hold.
So now I find myself on the cusp between life G and life H and I look around and see how everyone's life seems to be just a wee bit more enjoyable than my own and it causes me to wonder, when was the last time I enjoyed my life? Despite the current state that I'm in and the transition that I'm in, it should not deny me the little moments in life that I am entitled to enjoy... so why am I not enjoying them? If anything, I'm a wee bit depressed that I'm not enjoying them, causing me to look for the most extraordinary events and circumstances to cause or get into just have some sense of "at least I'm not waiting around for the change to experience stuff." Yet still, I feel like I am lacking.
So what is next? Really Jazz.... What is next?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Who we really are?
As I sit here trapped in the Houston International Airport on a VERY wet day, I start to reflect on a concern of mine for the past couple of months.
I believe one of the greatest realizations that we have in our lives is to discover that we are not who we were yesterday and we are not who we will be tomorrow. Except for the stubborn few, most of us spend our lives discovering who we are on a daily basis. Realizing that the likes from yesterday are the dislikes of tomorrow, the favorites of today are the forgotten in the future.... we are currently, constantly, and inconsistently changing, evolving, in our character and our personality.
The foundation, however, never changes. The morals and beliefs set in us at an early stage always remains. But depending on the age, the location (physically, spiritually, and career wise, etc) and the people you run into, whether daily or for that one unforgettable moment, you change. The domino effect of every living being and every interaction changing us from distance.
So what happens when you are faced with the question of "Who am I, really?"
I find myself one personality in front of a certain group and another personality type in front of others. Please do not confuse that with a personality disorder, mearly understanding the difference between "work time and play time." But then I run into the situation where some of my friends/family state, "You're too serious" all the time. Really? Am I too serious or your jokes just too obscene and racist to spark a laugh out of me? Or are you constant bantering about how I'm in my mind 20's and not married and other annoying topics just not interest my interaction? But I'm too serious? Sorry, I digress.
Understanding who we are is not necessarily, in my opinion, what we are drawn to at that moment in our lives, but more so, what the characteristics are of the events, people, and themes that cause us to be attracted to them in the first place. The motivation, not the action. Like for myself. I am always looking to improve myself, period. That really sums it up. From working out (to get my body fit), to reading (to get my mind fit) to being in social activities (because socializing helps you explore things you were not aware of to begin with). So if you see me reading or digging up the yard, or painting a room and/or furniture, its all in the matter as it relates to me improving myself and/or my standard of living.
I think understanding that motivation, that drive, and what our attraction point is, it helps us to be more confident in our selves and our decisions while giving us that undeniable sense of security in our convictions and standards.
I believe one of the greatest realizations that we have in our lives is to discover that we are not who we were yesterday and we are not who we will be tomorrow. Except for the stubborn few, most of us spend our lives discovering who we are on a daily basis. Realizing that the likes from yesterday are the dislikes of tomorrow, the favorites of today are the forgotten in the future.... we are currently, constantly, and inconsistently changing, evolving, in our character and our personality.
The foundation, however, never changes. The morals and beliefs set in us at an early stage always remains. But depending on the age, the location (physically, spiritually, and career wise, etc) and the people you run into, whether daily or for that one unforgettable moment, you change. The domino effect of every living being and every interaction changing us from distance.
So what happens when you are faced with the question of "Who am I, really?"
I find myself one personality in front of a certain group and another personality type in front of others. Please do not confuse that with a personality disorder, mearly understanding the difference between "work time and play time." But then I run into the situation where some of my friends/family state, "You're too serious" all the time. Really? Am I too serious or your jokes just too obscene and racist to spark a laugh out of me? Or are you constant bantering about how I'm in my mind 20's and not married and other annoying topics just not interest my interaction? But I'm too serious? Sorry, I digress.
Understanding who we are is not necessarily, in my opinion, what we are drawn to at that moment in our lives, but more so, what the characteristics are of the events, people, and themes that cause us to be attracted to them in the first place. The motivation, not the action. Like for myself. I am always looking to improve myself, period. That really sums it up. From working out (to get my body fit), to reading (to get my mind fit) to being in social activities (because socializing helps you explore things you were not aware of to begin with). So if you see me reading or digging up the yard, or painting a room and/or furniture, its all in the matter as it relates to me improving myself and/or my standard of living.
I think understanding that motivation, that drive, and what our attraction point is, it helps us to be more confident in our selves and our decisions while giving us that undeniable sense of security in our convictions and standards.
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