So They Think I'm Crazy

So, lately, I've been told a lot that I'm crazy for the decisions that I've made, especially in the last year. So let me run down the line and see if I agree... lol.

Lets see if I can put it in perspective for everyone....
Your most favorite football team of all time has been struggling for a few years. Though you may not be up to date on each team mate's stats, you know when they are having a good year and a bad year. But your support never waivers. Then one year, you feel it in your bones.... This could be the year we go to the super bowl! You're killing the other teams during the season, shutting down every one else's offenses, weakening their defense, just playing the game like they invented it. Then, after they win their conference title, they send you tickets to the super bowl.... would you say no?!?! I think not....

I bet most of you are looking at me like, Jazz, really? A football analogy? If you love your sports like some people do, then yes, you would understand.

Most of my life I have always felt out of place. I have never really felt completely comfortable anywhere, not even among my own family. Not to say anything negative about my family, I love them dearly. It just always felt like someone was pointing out my differences, why I was not like everyone else around me. I've spent a majority of my life insecure, for one reason or another. My adult life honestly has been full of misguided attempts to hide these insecurities and make myself fit in here or there. Do you know what happens to a square peg when you try to force it into a circle hole? You damage the edges, eventually, wearing away at the very essence of what makes a square a square.....

Well, he is my square hole. Need I say more? I feel a sense of peace around him. The layers of insecurity blankets just fall off. The smile rarely ceases. I'm filled with hope and energy and excitement.

"He's just a man, Jazz." Yes, he is A man, but he is THE man that I dreamed about. I'm totally not lying about that. I remember the first time he entranced me, I doubt he even noticed I was around. I was 14 years old... 13 years later, I'm still very much entranced when he is around. If you didn't know us, you probably would think that I had a mental disability because really, who stares at people like that? But I digress.

He's firm in his beliefs, but is open to new experiences. He is guarded from misdirection, but sometimes gets lost on purpose, for the fun of it of course. But its the gentleness that I dare not speak on for fear of him thinking I've "outed" him. He's a manly man and a gentleman. A handyman and a corporate thinker. A partier and a family man. But I think above all else, he's an answer to so many prayers.

You know, you have a list of things you think you want in life. As you go through and experience life, that list changes from what you think you want, to what you know you need. God knew that my needs were somewhat special and that someone special had to be tailored to me to work with me. Even more so, I think that I've learned that my misplacement everywhere else helped prepare me for the role I will play in his life. I may have been "different" to everyone else, but could it just be my differences were what he dreamed of? I like to think so.

But I digress. In 2008 he offered to move here. I said no. That was my decision. I do not regret it. It was needed for both of us. But the opportunity to be with him presented itself again. How many chances in one lifetime does God give you? So I willingly offered up to make the move. Though I did not know how, I knew I wanted to do it.

The past 8 months, it has been hard on us. On me in particular. Dealing with the ridicule of others. "Why are you following a man to Texas?" Dealing with his doubts, "I thought you said you wanted to move, what's taking so long." Even more so, dealing with the conflict within myself, not on moving, but on making sure I didn't do something too drastic without contemplating the daily needs of a life, my life, our life. I may have taken too long for him, in my planning and my calculating. I may have gone too quickly according to my family and friends. But in the end... it just feels right.

I don't know what our future holds for us. I like to think only positive thoughts, because the negative ones are the devil trying to take away this blessing God has given me, given us. How many people can say that they had a second and third chance with their childhood sweetheart? That one right there, that one means so much more in my eyes. Its the love that was there before the world made it impure. Its the love that allowed you to understand that strong bond that really does exist between human beings. Its the love that sets the precedence that no one can ever really live up to.

I did everything right. I did my research, I got the job, I limited the amount of stress that it puts on everyone involved. So have I gone crazy.... I think not. One day, I like to think, our children will ask me as I asked his Mother when I was young, "How did you know dad was the one?" I don't want to have to make up a story. I don't want to have to shatter the dreams that true love only exists in fairy tales. I can answer honestly and truthfully and let them know that true love exists, can survive 3 lifetimes, 2 continents, and 1 war.

So now I ask you, do you really think I'm crazy?

Mobile Post for the Day.... Inspiration?

What inspires you? 

I know there are so many people, events, ideas that influence our daily lives. But when it comes down to it, what inspires you? 

 What drives you to reach for more, to do better, to accomplish?

Blessing or a Curse?

I love my Lord and the many gifts that he gives his children.  So I am posing these questions to everyone, 

"When does your gift become more of a burden to you than a blessing to others?"  

"Are you wasting your gift if you believe it to be a burden?"  

"Is it a sin to want to "take a time out" from what is expected of you?"

Lately, I've found myself asking these questions more often than I ever thought I would.  I find myself, at times, wishing that God had given me a different gift that didn't require so much.  I feel that I can empathize with those who have so much that it feels like a weight to carry it around; a burden onto themselves more than a blessing onto others.  Lately, I've felt that my gift has been more of a hindrance to my own personal growth and development.

But before I run away with my own frustration, I guess it is key for me to pinpoint what my gift is supposed to be.  Although I believe God has given me many gifts over the years, it is apparent that my primary one is the gift of Care Giving.  I was born, as my God Mother put it, like I've been here before.  As the only child of a single parent, I had an early sense of responsibility and persistence.  My God Mother has also noted that "she [me] raised her mom."  Over time, this ideal has been a source of pride and sorrow in my life.  Though my mother states that I have been the best thing that she has done, I can't help but feel guilty for wishing that it wasn't just always me at all times.

The frustration has been mounting for years.  I guess the year of 2010 is Jazz's "Breaking Year."  I've always been the first to volunteer to help with my family, with my community, and with my friends.  But somewhere between then and now, the desire and fire to help and provided as become more of a nag and obligation to do what is expected of me.  I wonder if anyone ever thinks about how heavy the weight of something is on someone else's shoulders when you turn their gift into a requirement?  

But don't get me wrong, I blame no one for my current state of mind.  I guess I'm just at a point where I need to sink or swim.  So, I have decided to take a step back.  I asked God the other day, "What is wrong with me?"  I ask him every day to shine light on this concern of mine.  I don't want this frustration to turn into resentment; I fight the idea of that being inevitable every moment this frustration builds in my heart.

So here I am.  Taking a step back from the requirements the world has for me.  It may be selfish, but it is needed.  As so many tell me repeatedly, "Jazz, you need time for yourself."  I always have time for myself but I understand now that I need to be constructive during this time for me, and not others.  My heart was made to share the love it produces in the many ways I have found over the years.  But when I look in the mirror most days, I wonder why I don't have any left for myself.

- HsFavor

1 Corinthians 12:1-11 (Amplified Bible)

¹NOW ABOUT the spiritual gifts (the special endowments of supernatural energy), brethren, I do not want you to be misinformed.  ²You know that when you were heathen, you were led off after idols that could not speak [habitually] as impulse directed and whenever the occasion might arise.  ³Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking under the power and influence of the [Holy] Spirit of God can [ever] say, Jesus be cursed! And no one can [really] say, Jesus is [my] Lord, except by and under the power and influence of the Holy Spirit.  ⁴Now there are distinctive varieties and distributions of endowments (gifts, extraordinary powers distinguishing certain Christians, due to the power of divine grace operating in their souls by the Holy Spirit) and they vary, but the [Holy] Spirit remains the same.  ⁵And there are distinctive varieties of service and ministration, but it is the same Lord [Who is served].  ⁶And there are distinctive varieties of operation [of working to accomplish things], but it is the same God Who inspires and energizes them all in all.  ⁷But to each one is given the manifestation of the [Holy] Spirit [the evidence, the spiritual illumination of the Spirit] for good and profit.  ⁸To one is given in and through the [Holy] Spirit [the power to speak] a message of wisdom, and to another [the power to express] a word of knowledge and understanding according to the same [Holy] Spirit; ⁹To another [wonder-working] faith by the same [Holy] Spirit, to another the extraordinary powers of healing by the one Spirit; ¹⁰To another the working of miracles, to another prophetic insight (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose); to another the ability to discern and distinguish between [the utterances of true] spirits [and false ones], to another various kinds of [unknown] tongues, to another the ability to interpret [such] tongues.  ¹¹All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses.