Realization: I am fear driven...

I have come to the realization that a lot of what I do is driven by some type of fear....


Why is that? Is that human instinct or a really bad learned trait?


What made me come to this realization? Every so often I take an inventory of my life, where I've been, where I am, where I would like to go vs where I'm going, and it hit me. By reliving my greatest moments, decisions, and actions and the thought process that led me to them, it is evident that the driving force was undoubtedly some type of fear.

Now the question is, should I be concerned?

Realization: I am fear driven...

I have come to the realization that a lot of what I do is driven by some type of fear....


Why is that? Is that human instinct or a really bad learned trait?


What made me come to this realization? Every so often I take an inventory of my life, where I've been, where I am, where I would like to go vs where I'm going, and it hit me. By reliving my greatest moments, decisions, and actions and the thought process that led me to them, it is evident that the driving force was undoubtedly some type of fear.

Now the question is, should I be concerned?

Thoughts on Losing Weight

So I started walking 3 miles a couple times a week to help prepare me for the Alzheimer's Memory Walk.  I am great with it now.  So because I can't afford a gym, I'm looking for other options.  I got a bike, but the chain doesn't work right on it.  I mean, it was a cheap Huffy after all.  So now what.

I read that people who own a bathroom scale lose weight faster.  Did I mention that I am afraid of scales?  They always seem off by like 15 pounds....

But I think my main focus has been monitoring my food intake.  I consider myself a healthy eater.  No pork or beef or (very limited) fast food.  But to enhance what I already eat, I'm looking to include more fruit, and less bread, in my diet.  (mmmmmm bread....)  I've been looking up food and snack recipes and will post them soon but I really am looking to see if you all out there can help me....  Please post snacks that you utilize to help crave those mashed potato cravings.  =)

I wear your dog tags when you're gone.

I notice today that people stare and wonder why this sickly looking woman is wearing this dog tag.  But then again, maybe they don't ask, maybe they just know.

When I was on the flight back from Germany, I became violently sick.  I threw up several times.  It was probably brought on by the crying I was doing.  It was overnight and I tried not to bother any of the other passengers.  Suffer in silent is the type of person I am.  

But the lady next to me, she asked, "are you crying over the person who's tag you hold in your hand?  Is he serving in the war?"  She knew how my heart breaks then as Layci knew today at brunch.  "Jazz, you don't look well."

I don't know what is wrong with me.  Is it because I can't hear your voice?  Or because I know you're not walking through the door before I leave?  Its not like I don't know you're on your way home... So what is wrong with me?  

I can't seem to make any decisions without running them by you.  Its not like life won't go on if you don't know every moment of what I do.  I do so much on a daily basis.  So why am I so solemn without you?

Motivation Needed: Soliciting Motivation

So I have lost my motivation, aka, up-and-at-them attitude to tackle the things I wanted to.
1.  Working Out
2.  Business
3 . The Relationship

I think its due to a depressed stated I've been in.  So what do I do?

I know if I'm focused on one, the others will follow.  I think what I'll do is join a gym.  Yeah, I know.  I hear my money going down the toilet.  But I need the motivation.  I love kickboxing and the like.  I know if I have to go there, and there is a schedule I am forced to be on, well, it makes sense.

We'll see how this goes.  Can I find a gym in both Round Rock and Plano?  WE SHALL SEE!

The Tears Not Shed

Tears are meant to express what words can't.
In moments of happiness, I like to say, it shows the heart overflowing.
In moments of sorrow, I believe, its truly the heart and soul crying.
When scared or overwhelmed, it expresses the search that goes on for the appropriate release, that may never come.

But its the tears that aren't shed, that say the most.
The anger, the hurt, the despair, the strength.
Few have seen me shed tears and I consider that a strength of mine.
I stand strong when others are weak, so they have something to hold on to.
I think everyone should be worried the day that strength weakens and I'm left with those shed-less tears,
in my hand.

Vegas

So, because my man is just so freakin awesome, we went to vegas this year!

Day 1...  Well first before Day 1 even begins, my poor man worked a full shift at work then stayed up all night washing clothes and cleaning and INSISTED that I take my behind to sleep.  I was woken up by him moving my dresser in our room.  It was such a freakin awesome thing.  I think it came from me sayin 'Well I could feel more at home if I had some place to put my clothes.'  Behold, he moves that huge dresser from the garage to the back room all by himself.  I've had that dresser for 6 years and with every move its taken at least 2 people to move it.  He's so freakin awesome.

We stayed at the stratosphere.  Yeah, you walk into the room and after gazing at the suite you hear someone screaming and a body flying past your window, doesn't help your nerves you know.

The first night we hung out with his friends and did a wee bit gambling.  Well he did.

The next morning, I feel, was the best... WE SLEPT IN for like half the day, watching football with room service.  It was so awesome.  Anyway, I think that was the highlight of the trip for me.

We explored Vegas, did a quick peak into most of the casinos/hotels.  The stratosphere is so out of the way of everything, so I'm pretty sure we won't stay there again.  Paris and the Belagio were my favorites.  One night we sat outside and watched the water show which was freakin AWESOME!  I said I wanted to stay there next time and he was like, "It sounds expensive."  Its Vegas Baby!

I think it was NYNY where I had the craps table on fire for like 30 minutes!  My baby could have made money on my beginners luck, but he kept bidding against me.  What is up with that?

But point is we did not get married and I think that was the goal!